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Rednecks
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We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God.
It doesn't matter where you grew up, whether it was rural Mississippi or New York City. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my
life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of.
I am one of those. If you feel the same, pass this on to your redneck friends.
Ya`ll know who ya are....
You Might Be A Redneck if . . .
It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God." !
You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."
You bow your head when someone prays.
You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.
You might even sing along, and you DO know the words.
You treat war vets with great respect, and always have.
You've never burned an American flag.
You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.
You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.
You'd give your last dollar to a friend. [^]
The Japanese woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager," she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Yankee lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Redneck felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive.
She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The lady Redneck finally said, "Well, will you look at that. I'm gettin' a fax."
Short Redneck Jokes
How do you know when you're staying in a Arkansas hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink,"
and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."
How can you tell if a Louisiana redneck is married?
There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age
in Oklahoma to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
A guy from Alabama passed away and left his entire estate to his
beloved widow,
but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Alabama?
Documentaries.
Where was the toothbrush invented? Mississippi.
If it would've been invented anywhere else,
it would have been called a teeth brush.
A Georgia state trooper pulls over a pickup on I-75 and says to
the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "Bout wut?"
Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
The governor's mansion in Alabama burned down!
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.
The library was a total loss, too.
Both books -- poof! -- up in flames
and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
A new law was recently passed in Mississippi:
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
You Might Be A Redneck If:
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
You judge drive time solely by the number of beers you need to take.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
You own a homemade fur coat.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You think genitalia is an Italian airline.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
40 Things You Won't Hear A Redneck Say
40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C: drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You All.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
"I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says,
"Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence...... and then a shot is heard. The redneck's voice comes back on the line,
"Okay, now what?"
You may be a redneck if:
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
6 Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y'all, watch this".
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are
"Gentlemen, start your engines".
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
16. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
17. You can't remember what is under the blue tarp in the front of your house!
[:D]
Ben
Paramedics are dispatched.
Woman says "Wait in think he's breathing now."
By the time the paramedics arrived, Grandpa was standing and talking.
Another operator instant messages my wife "Praise Jebus, It's a Christmas miracle!"
Makes me wonder how may people can't tell the difference between dead or alive.