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employee reduction
tazzer
Member Posts: 16,837
Dear Employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas,we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan,older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permittingthe retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of thenext fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobsoutside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of theiremployment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phaseof the program will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of RetiredElderly Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appealwith upper management. This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by HigherAuthority Following Termination). Under the terms of this new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWEDtwice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deemsappropriate. If anemployee followsthe above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get:HE.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) orCLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employeewho has received H.E.R.P.E.S or C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED orSCREWED by the company. Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on boardthat the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training (*). We take pride in the amount of * our employees receive. We have givenour employees more * than any company in this area. If any employeefeels they do not receive enough * on the job, see your immediatesupervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receiveall the * you can stand. And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!The Management