Adoptee Seeking Birth Family...any opinions?

Bushy AR

I have known since I was 12 that I was adopted.It was then that I asked why there were no baby pictures of me,and my adoptive parents told me that I was adopted from an orphanage at 14 months old.Recently,because my adoptive mother has Alzheimers disease,my sister,who was also adopted at a young age,took over her affairs.It was then that my sister found copys of our original adoption documents.There I discovered my birth name and the name of my birth mother.My question to you all is this: would you seek your birth family if it was you,and if you did,how would you go about it? My sister and I have discussed this issue and although she does not feel the need to find her birth family,I have a feeling of being incomplete until I bring closure to this issue.How can I find people without being invasive?I want to respect other peoples privacy,but I fear that I am going to hurt feelings somewhere down the line if I pursue this.Have any of you gone through this? What was the result? Would you do it again? I realize that I may not like what I find,but on the other hand,maybe my birth family is looking for me too and it will be wonderful.

robsguns

I'd do it. My father and mother divorced when I was 6 or 7, and I never saw my dad again until I was 26. I made the effort to find him, and I havent regretted it. Its not exactly the same thing, but pretty near it, and I know what you mean by feeling incomplete. I dont have a close relationship with him, but at least I have a face and phone number to put to the name, and he knows his grandchildren, we go see him once in a while, and I know my family health history, which was extremely important to me, and turns out, of vital importance for me. Go find her, and if it seems invasive to her, tell her you will not bother her at all, you would just at least like to get your family health history as completely as possible, thats the least she should do for you, and if you're lucky, she may welcome you. Good luck.

SSgt Ryan E. Roberts, USMC

beachmaster73

Bushy AR...tough call. My wife is adopted. She and her twin brother were adopted by the same family at birth. About six years ago when she was 28(yeah yeah I know she's a lot younger than me!!) she went full out trying to find her birth mother. Her brother had less than zewro desire to find the birth parents. His thoughts were, "Hey they gave us up and mom and dad raised us...end of story!!" I think it was that femine trait of curiosity that kept my wife at it. To make the long story short we found and met her. Got the complete family medical history(and passed it to her twin). I always felt the mother was nursing a major guilt trip over giving up the kids and we have little to do with her(by her choice) although the rest of the birth mother's family stay in touch with us constantly. I think my wife was expecting to develop a relationship with her birth mother and when it was not forthcoming it was a deep deep disappointment. It is a tough call but I'd advise doing it only to get your family medical history and have NO expectations of developing anything further. If a relationship develops consider yourself lucky. Beach

k.stanonik

My opinion is this, The family that adopted you loved you , raised you, and are mom and dad. The woman who brought you into this world is your mother, she may have given you up for adoption for economic reason, or many other reasons but i would seek her out, see how she would feel about meeting so you know some of your haritage and to let her know that you grew up to be a fine and good person like she wished you did.

He Dog

I think this is a very personal decision, and perhaps no one who is not also adopted can give you good advice on the issue. As you can see from your and your sisters reaction and the two stories above even then the reaction can be different.

First, you have to know that whatever decision was made by your birth mother had nothing to do with you as an individual. She made the decision she did based on unknown factors that do not reflect on you. It ain't your fault!

Follow your own heart. One objective reason to find your birth mother would be to recover family medical history if possible. It could save your life to know that there is a family history of heart disease, diabetes or other genetic related illness.

Good luck in whatever you decide Bushy, I hope you will post your decision and its results here.

YankeeClipper

Tough call. My sister-in-law found her mother. Was a bad situtation. I am from a split family and I know there is bad feelings when I associate with the (other) side. Be yourself and tell no tales.

Helping keep America free: One gun at a time.

dheffley

Bushy AR,

My wife was also adopted. She was 30 before she decided to look for her parents. Her biological father rejected her and refused to see her, even on his death bed. Her mother, brother and that complete side of the family accepted her with open arms and she has established a wonderful relationship with them. She has told me that she would have made the move sooner if she would have known the difference it was going to make in her life. I would suggest you do it as long as you can handle possible rejection, and understand that the folks who raised you ARE you parents. Good luck.

Save, research, then buy the best.Join the NRA, NOW!Teach them young, teach them safe, teach them forever, but most of all, teach them to VOTE!

Dupont

By all means search!! But be warned it's an emotional roller coaster.
There are several search groups online that you can join, plus there may be a local search group in your area that maybe able to help with the search, support, emotions. You are not alone with the feeling of being incomplete. 98% of adoptees feel this way!
Your lucky, you have names, most start there search without these!
I have medical history and first names, harder to search but a good start!

If you need any links to some good search sites, let me know!

Good luck!!
Adoptee in search

Of course I can play the piano, as long as it has pedals!

n/a

Bushy, I would say go for it.. It may not end up the way you want, but if it is something that you need to do, then do it.
I was raped at 12 and gave birth at 13 to a son, who I gave up for adoption. At a later age, much later I might add, I had a medical prob that needed to put me in touch with him. I contacted the agency that the adoption went through, stated my reasons for getting in touch, verified by drs papers, and they notified him. They called me back, saying that all was fine with him but he desired contact, was I willing?.. I hesitated approx 2 minutes before I said yes. We exchanged letters, then phone calls.. then finally meeting. To this day we share a close relationship. I will never be his mother, the woman that raised him is his mother, but I will be his friend always. and let me say, there is NOT A DAY that went by, when I didnt think of him, was he hungry? was he happy? but most important was he loved?
All my questions were answered the day we met, and spent all day and half the night together talking. We are constantly in touch, talk often, see each other often as well.
I stated that I was not his mother, only the person that gave him life, but he calls me MA... there was an instant connection as soon as we met, but some are not so lucky, if you ever contact your birth mother, do it in a non invasive manner.. eg..letter writing first..
By the way, he is over 6 feet, and 200 pounds.. I am barely 5 feet, and about 100 pounds soaking wet, so its quite the sight to see us together..
Good luck to you in your search and may you be welcomed into her family as my birth son was welcomed into mine.

Bushy AR

Black Roses...thank you for your very honest and moving story...thank you all for your input.I have wrestled with this issue for too long.It is starting to work on me,if you know what I mean.I shall keep you informed He Dog,and anyone else who might be interested.And yes,I have loved my adopted family more than I can relate.But as my adoptive father passed in 1985,and my adoptive mothers Alzheimers has left her just a shell,my sister,my son,and I are all that are left.I am 48 and realise that my birth mother may be dead by now.Even more reason to begin my search.If I have birth sisters or brothers I need to find them.As I said before,they may know about me and are wondering themselves.There is only one way to find out.Thanks again for your response to my post.Now I need to get started doing some computer aided detective work.

Pelican

You have a tough road ahead of you. I have been attempting to some extent to locate my birth mother for the past few years. I'm afraid I have waited too long. If she is alive she would be in mid to late seventies. Wish you all the luck in the world. Pel

The Almighty Himself Entrusted the Future of All Living Creatures to a Wooden Boat.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -"Audemus jura nostra defendere"

n/a

You may have a bit of a rough time searching. Some states have open adoption laws but most do not. By that I mean that info will be freely given (well in most cases) in the open states, but not in the closed. You can ask for non identifying information in the closed states and will receive it, but you are blocked after that.
You stated you have your original birth certificate, well thats good but the last name of your mother really means nothing. She could have been married, divorced and the last name changed and that is where the long long process starts. I have done computer searches, etc but if you dont have the proper last name, well it gets tough...very tough...Try contacting an adoption search registery in your state or the state you were born in seeing if perhaps she listed herself first as looking for you... I know in my case, before my medical prob forced the issue, I had registered with all agencies in hopes he had registered as well. You may have a long, hard, very frustrating road to take, but dont give up. If perhaps you have her SS number the search is so easy after that.. Please keep in touch, if anything you have at least one birth mother's prayers, and also her ears if you need to talk

This is a very emotional subject for all concerned and if any adoptees want to talk to a birth mother, just ask. I will be only too happy to talk and share my feelings. I did not make a decision to not have anything to do with my birth son, but made a decision to give him life, love, and family... something I was not able to do at the time, but not a day didnt go by when I didnt think of him and wondered if he hated me for my decision. I got my answer on the day we met, he understood my decision, and he had also wondered if I have given him up because of the fact I had been raped. I assured him that was not the case, it was because of my age at the time, and also my parents.
The day we met, he said to me, "You didnt hold me as a child, now you can" and proceeded to sit on my knee. If you can picture a 200 pound man sitting on a 100 pound woman's knee, you have the vision. We both laughed till we cried at the sight of it, but that little episode was the starting point for us.
I dont want to impose, but if anyone wants to talk, just ask for my email.
Good luck to all



Edited by - BlackRoses on 05/26/2002 05:01:15