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American Legion Parting Shots (Humor) JAN 2009
JamesRK
Member Posts: 25,670 ✭✭✭
A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
A BLACKJACK DEALER and a player with a 13 count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.
The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Same when I get good cards. The dealer had nothing to do with it. Why tip him?"
"When you eat out, do you tip the waiter?" the dealer asked.
"Yes."
"Well, he serves you food. I'm serving you cards, so you should tip me."
"Yeah, well, the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight."
"AN OPTIMIST stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves." - Bill Vaughan
A KNIGHT AND HIS MEN return to the castle after a long hard day of fighting.
"How are we faring?" the king asks.
"Sire," the knight replies, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."
"What?" the king shrieks. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"
"Well, you do now," the knight says.
BUMPER STICKERS
Hang up and drive.
If your ship hasn't come in, swim out to it.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
Forget about world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
My other vehicle is in orbit.
I support faith-based missile-defense systems.
I don't have issues. I have volumes.
Driver carries no cash. He's married.
My wife gives me sound advice - 99% sound, 1% advice.
"FORECASTERS at the Federal Reserve in Philadelphia said the U.S. has been in a recession for the last 14 months. Thank you, Nostradamus! That's how you know things are slowing down, when forecasters are now predicting the past." - Jay Leno
A BLACKJACK DEALER and a player with a 13 count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.
The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Same when I get good cards. The dealer had nothing to do with it. Why tip him?"
"When you eat out, do you tip the waiter?" the dealer asked.
"Yes."
"Well, he serves you food. I'm serving you cards, so you should tip me."
"Yeah, well, the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight."
"AN OPTIMIST stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves." - Bill Vaughan
A KNIGHT AND HIS MEN return to the castle after a long hard day of fighting.
"How are we faring?" the king asks.
"Sire," the knight replies, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."
"What?" the king shrieks. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"
"Well, you do now," the knight says.
BUMPER STICKERS
Hang up and drive.
If your ship hasn't come in, swim out to it.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
Forget about world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
My other vehicle is in orbit.
I support faith-based missile-defense systems.
I don't have issues. I have volumes.
Driver carries no cash. He's married.
My wife gives me sound advice - 99% sound, 1% advice.
"FORECASTERS at the Federal Reserve in Philadelphia said the U.S. has been in a recession for the last 14 months. Thank you, Nostradamus! That's how you know things are slowing down, when forecasters are now predicting the past." - Jay Leno
The road to hell is paved with COMPROMISE.
Comments
A moment later, the gal from Nebraska pulls ears of corn from her bag and tosses them out the window. "What are you doing?" ask the gal from Montana. "We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I'm tired of looking at them.
Inspired, the Montanan opens the door and kicks the Californian out.