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Speaking of cats -- "How not to get rich quick"
Wild Turkey
Member Posts: 2,425 ✭✭✭✭
Livestock Weekly, Jan 10, 1985
A True story About Cats:
How Not To Get Rich Quick
By Curt Brummet
Maljamar, N.M. ? One opening day as Terry, Larry and I, three schoolkids, were hanging around the pool hall on our lunch hour, we were discussing our financial crisis.
We had just spent our allowance for the next 200 years replacing an outhouse that had disintegrated due to careless handling of four stolen sticks of dynamite, three blasting caps, one can of black powder and five gallons of kerosene. We didn?t blow it up on purpose. But no one seemed to believe us.
After we got beat dang near to death we had to make arrangements to pay for it. It didn?t matter that it hadn?t been used in 15 years. It had to be replaced.
It wasn?t our fault that lightning hit our storehouse. And we never did figure out how they knew it was us that got the explosives. But the situation was we were dead broke and everyone in town was watching us like we had the plague.
We had decided there was no way to get ahead moneywise, so we planned to learn how to play 42 for fun and profit.
We were watchin? ever so close when Elmo Carstead casually mentioned there were just too damn many cats around the store, the garage and the pool hall. He also stated that if he killed ?em off the mice and the rats would soon take over. So there he was, he just didn?t know what he was gonna do.
Buel Addleman came up with the perfect solution:
?Elmo, that ain?t no problem, all you got to do is castrate the Toms and that way you don?t lose any cats but you don?t gain any cats either.? Buel never missed a play.
Elmo came back by stating he didn?t have time to catch and castrate those Toms ?cause when he wasn?t waiting for an important phone call he had to be at the pool hall defending his championship. ?But the idea sure was worth thinking on.?
Buel bid 84 and mentioned that since everyone at the pool hall would benefit from such good animal control they could all chip in some money and pay 50 cents per Tom. That is if the job was done right. You know, no excessive bleeding and things like that.
Terry and I had done started figuring. We figured there must be 60-65 Toms out of that whole town full of cats.
Larry, being the only one showing any sense, started slipping towards the door. Terry got him stopped and started convincing him about how easy it would be. After all, we had all helped castrate calves, colts, pig and sheep. And besides how could three schoolkids get rich quicker?
Terry was busy with Larry while I was busy trying to get us hired on as custom cat cutters. It took quite a bit of talking. Buel wasn?t real sure we had the experience to handle a job as important as this and Elmo wanted it done right. After some pretty hard talking on my part, Elmo and Buel finally gave in and we sealed the deal.
Elmo said he would but out some scraps in an old cement silo of his. Since it only had one door, he could trap maybe 35 or 40 cats. The next day we could skip lunch and come right on over and make $10 or $15 right quick. He winked at Buel and the deal was set.
We went on back to school and never said a word about our new money making business. That night we all got our pocket knives sharpened to perfection. We knew that the sharper the knife the quicker the cut, and the quicker the cut, the move money we could make.
The next morning at recess we got together and decided that business of this importance deserved our full time attention. So we skipped out and headed for the pool hall.
We found Elmo and Buel hard at work, keeping their championship, and convinced them that we wouldn?t get in trouble for skipping class. After all, school was for kids too dumb to make any money. And besides, we already had our own business. We decided that after we cut all the local cats we might just go from town to town, as professionals.
Well, we followed Elmo and Buel out to that old silo and when they opened that door, I never saw so many cats in my life. It looked like there were a hundred in that room, and we guessed there must be at least half of ?em Toms. Elmo and Buel were grinning. We thought they were happy ?cause they had found someone to do the job. Not so.
Elmo said that part of the silo top was gone, and when he shut us in there would be plenty of light to see by. And when we got done cutting all those Toms just holler and they would come let us out.
When we stepped into that silo and they closed the door, it dawned on all three of us that we didn?t know beans about cuttin? cats.
Now these cats were a long ways from being gentle housecats, and there probably weren?t two in the place that had ever been touched by a human. But we didn?t think about it ?cause we were too busy listening to al that hissing and growling. You will never know what stark cold fear is ?till you are locked in a silo with a bunch of cats as scared as you are.
We seriously discussed going back to school but we changed our minds on that, because if we went back failures were sure to get in trouble. So we would just go ahead and get started.
Since I had the sharpest knife, it was decided that Terry and Larry would do the flanking. We started by Terry grabbing a big yellow Tom. And from there things just went to hell.
We figured holding cats was probably like holding calves; once you get him pinned don?t turn him loose. But we also discovered that turning a mad, scared cat loose wasn?t all that easy. I didn?t realize a cat could wreck so much stuff with two stout kids holding him.
They got him stretched out and I cut him. Did you know when you cut a scared cat that it changes their voice immediately and at the same time their kidneys go crazy? The sound from that cat made our hair stand on end, but all that water flying around made it lay back down. I announced that I was through with the surgery and they could turn ?im loose. I?ll guarantee you one thing. Turning that cat loose took a lot longer than it did to catch him. Seem like he was holding a grudge. Did you know a fresh castrated can scratch three kids (each one tryin? to escape) 96 times apiece while screaming and never draw a breath?
Now three kids tryin? to get away from a cat in a silo is a pretty fair wreck, but trying to run form one cat and stay away from 99 more (which by this time had gone as crazy as the one I had just cut) is disastrous. I don?t know if it was Terry or Larry that ran through the door, but I?ll love him forever. Relief comes in strange forms!
When it was all said and done we gathered ourselves up and took stock. There wasn?t a place on any of us that didn?t have a cat track of some kind on it. Neither one of us had a shirt left, they were just threads hanging around our necks and off our shoulders. When we finally calmed down a little we looked back at the silo and there were still cats coming out that door.
We decided to call our folks instead of going back to school. The way we were hurting from those cat tracks, it wasn?t gonna make any difference who whipped us ?cause there was no way we were gonna hurt any more than we already were.
We had to do a ton of explaining to our folks about the scratches and why we didn?t have any shirts left and why we skipped school. Elmo and Buel not only had to explain to three mad moms, but they had to give up their chairs in the pool hall for awhile. Seems a couple of mothers threatened to kill ?em if they were seen around town for a while.
Terry. Larry and I didn?t get a whipping. Our dads figured the cat tracks would be punishment enough.
But they did offer to beat us to death if we ever skipped school again.
The next time Larry and Terry and I got together we decided that we would store our next batch of explosives beneath the pool hall and hope for another electrical storm.
Come to think of it we never got our 50 cents for cuttin? that cat.
A True story About Cats:
How Not To Get Rich Quick
By Curt Brummet
Maljamar, N.M. ? One opening day as Terry, Larry and I, three schoolkids, were hanging around the pool hall on our lunch hour, we were discussing our financial crisis.
We had just spent our allowance for the next 200 years replacing an outhouse that had disintegrated due to careless handling of four stolen sticks of dynamite, three blasting caps, one can of black powder and five gallons of kerosene. We didn?t blow it up on purpose. But no one seemed to believe us.
After we got beat dang near to death we had to make arrangements to pay for it. It didn?t matter that it hadn?t been used in 15 years. It had to be replaced.
It wasn?t our fault that lightning hit our storehouse. And we never did figure out how they knew it was us that got the explosives. But the situation was we were dead broke and everyone in town was watching us like we had the plague.
We had decided there was no way to get ahead moneywise, so we planned to learn how to play 42 for fun and profit.
We were watchin? ever so close when Elmo Carstead casually mentioned there were just too damn many cats around the store, the garage and the pool hall. He also stated that if he killed ?em off the mice and the rats would soon take over. So there he was, he just didn?t know what he was gonna do.
Buel Addleman came up with the perfect solution:
?Elmo, that ain?t no problem, all you got to do is castrate the Toms and that way you don?t lose any cats but you don?t gain any cats either.? Buel never missed a play.
Elmo came back by stating he didn?t have time to catch and castrate those Toms ?cause when he wasn?t waiting for an important phone call he had to be at the pool hall defending his championship. ?But the idea sure was worth thinking on.?
Buel bid 84 and mentioned that since everyone at the pool hall would benefit from such good animal control they could all chip in some money and pay 50 cents per Tom. That is if the job was done right. You know, no excessive bleeding and things like that.
Terry and I had done started figuring. We figured there must be 60-65 Toms out of that whole town full of cats.
Larry, being the only one showing any sense, started slipping towards the door. Terry got him stopped and started convincing him about how easy it would be. After all, we had all helped castrate calves, colts, pig and sheep. And besides how could three schoolkids get rich quicker?
Terry was busy with Larry while I was busy trying to get us hired on as custom cat cutters. It took quite a bit of talking. Buel wasn?t real sure we had the experience to handle a job as important as this and Elmo wanted it done right. After some pretty hard talking on my part, Elmo and Buel finally gave in and we sealed the deal.
Elmo said he would but out some scraps in an old cement silo of his. Since it only had one door, he could trap maybe 35 or 40 cats. The next day we could skip lunch and come right on over and make $10 or $15 right quick. He winked at Buel and the deal was set.
We went on back to school and never said a word about our new money making business. That night we all got our pocket knives sharpened to perfection. We knew that the sharper the knife the quicker the cut, and the quicker the cut, the move money we could make.
The next morning at recess we got together and decided that business of this importance deserved our full time attention. So we skipped out and headed for the pool hall.
We found Elmo and Buel hard at work, keeping their championship, and convinced them that we wouldn?t get in trouble for skipping class. After all, school was for kids too dumb to make any money. And besides, we already had our own business. We decided that after we cut all the local cats we might just go from town to town, as professionals.
Well, we followed Elmo and Buel out to that old silo and when they opened that door, I never saw so many cats in my life. It looked like there were a hundred in that room, and we guessed there must be at least half of ?em Toms. Elmo and Buel were grinning. We thought they were happy ?cause they had found someone to do the job. Not so.
Elmo said that part of the silo top was gone, and when he shut us in there would be plenty of light to see by. And when we got done cutting all those Toms just holler and they would come let us out.
When we stepped into that silo and they closed the door, it dawned on all three of us that we didn?t know beans about cuttin? cats.
Now these cats were a long ways from being gentle housecats, and there probably weren?t two in the place that had ever been touched by a human. But we didn?t think about it ?cause we were too busy listening to al that hissing and growling. You will never know what stark cold fear is ?till you are locked in a silo with a bunch of cats as scared as you are.
We seriously discussed going back to school but we changed our minds on that, because if we went back failures were sure to get in trouble. So we would just go ahead and get started.
Since I had the sharpest knife, it was decided that Terry and Larry would do the flanking. We started by Terry grabbing a big yellow Tom. And from there things just went to hell.
We figured holding cats was probably like holding calves; once you get him pinned don?t turn him loose. But we also discovered that turning a mad, scared cat loose wasn?t all that easy. I didn?t realize a cat could wreck so much stuff with two stout kids holding him.
They got him stretched out and I cut him. Did you know when you cut a scared cat that it changes their voice immediately and at the same time their kidneys go crazy? The sound from that cat made our hair stand on end, but all that water flying around made it lay back down. I announced that I was through with the surgery and they could turn ?im loose. I?ll guarantee you one thing. Turning that cat loose took a lot longer than it did to catch him. Seem like he was holding a grudge. Did you know a fresh castrated can scratch three kids (each one tryin? to escape) 96 times apiece while screaming and never draw a breath?
Now three kids tryin? to get away from a cat in a silo is a pretty fair wreck, but trying to run form one cat and stay away from 99 more (which by this time had gone as crazy as the one I had just cut) is disastrous. I don?t know if it was Terry or Larry that ran through the door, but I?ll love him forever. Relief comes in strange forms!
When it was all said and done we gathered ourselves up and took stock. There wasn?t a place on any of us that didn?t have a cat track of some kind on it. Neither one of us had a shirt left, they were just threads hanging around our necks and off our shoulders. When we finally calmed down a little we looked back at the silo and there were still cats coming out that door.
We decided to call our folks instead of going back to school. The way we were hurting from those cat tracks, it wasn?t gonna make any difference who whipped us ?cause there was no way we were gonna hurt any more than we already were.
We had to do a ton of explaining to our folks about the scratches and why we didn?t have any shirts left and why we skipped school. Elmo and Buel not only had to explain to three mad moms, but they had to give up their chairs in the pool hall for awhile. Seems a couple of mothers threatened to kill ?em if they were seen around town for a while.
Terry. Larry and I didn?t get a whipping. Our dads figured the cat tracks would be punishment enough.
But they did offer to beat us to death if we ever skipped school again.
The next time Larry and Terry and I got together we decided that we would store our next batch of explosives beneath the pool hall and hope for another electrical storm.
Come to think of it we never got our 50 cents for cuttin? that cat.
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