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Little Johnny
grumpygy
Member Posts: 53,466 ✭
>
> The
teacher asked the class to use the word
>"fascinate" in a
sentence.
>
> Molly put up her
hand and said, "My family
>went to my granddad's farm,
>
and we all saw his pet sheep. It
was
>fascinating."
>
> The
teacher said, "That was good, but I
>wanted you to use the
word
> "fascinate, not fas
cinating".
>
> Sally raised her
hand. She said, "My family
>went to see Rock City and
>
I was "fascinated."
>
> The
teacher said, "Well, that was good
>Sally, but I wanted you to use
the
> word
"fascinate."
>
> Little Johnny
raised his hand. The teacher
>hesita ted because she
had
> been burned by Little Johnny before. She
finally
>decided there was no way he
> could damage the
word "fascinate", so she called
>on
him.
>
> Johnny said, "My Aunt
Gina has a sweater
>with ten buttons, but her boobs are
>
so big she can only fasten
eight."
>
> The teacher sat down
and
cried.
> The
teacher asked the class to use the word
>"fascinate" in a
sentence.
>
> Molly put up her
hand and said, "My family
>went to my granddad's farm,
>
and we all saw his pet sheep. It
was
>fascinating."
>
> The
teacher said, "That was good, but I
>wanted you to use the
word
> "fascinate, not fas
cinating".
>
> Sally raised her
hand. She said, "My family
>went to see Rock City and
>
I was "fascinated."
>
> The
teacher said, "Well, that was good
>Sally, but I wanted you to use
the
> word
"fascinate."
>
> Little Johnny
raised his hand. The teacher
>hesita ted because she
had
> been burned by Little Johnny before. She
finally
>decided there was no way he
> could damage the
word "fascinate", so she called
>on
him.
>
> Johnny said, "My Aunt
Gina has a sweater
>with ten buttons, but her boobs are
>
so big she can only fasten
eight."
>
> The teacher sat down
and
cried.
Comments
Little Johnny sez " because Grandma sez when you croak, she will take me to Disneyland". !!!
and his Dad is reading his newspaper.
Johnny says, "Dad, I think I'll go
into a life of crime."
Dad looks out from behind his paper
and says, "Government, or Private
Sector?"
A little later on, he said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her too."
That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey , father ?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does I'm eating a hamburger!"
Little Johnny's back!
Little John attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, John asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
John, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
Johnny lets out a puff of smoke, \"Nah, that\'s too old fashioned.\"
Johnny takes another drag, \"Spit out your gum, I wanna play PRESIDENT!\"
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?'
'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'
'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be screwed if he needed glasses' [;)][;)]
Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines," she said. "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Debbie," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom, and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher. "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher. "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing: "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?" I used the President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth. Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment. Bless his little heart
Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, LittleJohnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"
Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"
Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piecearound here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"
"That happened when I put the dress back where it was!"
little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the
hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors.
He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I
want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his
ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt when we get back home."
"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny. At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said,
"Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother, who had braced
herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said,
"Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, "This baby has
perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?" The Mother said a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a good thing, cause he sure as hell
can't wear glasses."
NRA MEMBER
He asked, dad, why do you touch the horses all over? His dad said its so I can tell the condition and health of each horse before I buy it.
Johnny pondered for a moment what his dad said, then said, "I think the UPS man wants to buy mommy"
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:
Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
Next day, Little Billy explained how he had watched Animal Planet and saw an elephant giving birth.
Little Susie gave a graphic account of the show on Discovery of two buffalo mating.
Little Johnny began to tell the class about the John Wayne movie he had seen the night before.
"Indians to the North, Indians to the South, Indians the the East and Indians to the West, and John Wayne whipped them all!"
"Wait a minute, Johnny, how did that movie teach anything about sex?" asked the teacher.
"Well," replied Johnny, "It taught them Indians not to f--- with John Wayne!"
The neighbor lady called to him asking why has digging a hole.
Little Johnny replied, "to bury my pet mouse".
Neighbor lady said, "Isn't that a large hole for a mouse?"
Johnny replied, "It's inside your cat."
"Well" replied Little Johnny, "I was in church yesterday, and when the fat lady in front of me got up to sing, I noticed that her dress was stuck up in her cr===k. I thought I'd help her out, so I reached up and pulled it out. That's when she came around with her elbow and caught me in the eye!"
"But how did you get the other eye blacked?" asked his friend.
"That happened when I put her dress back where it was."
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In
Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough toget a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenn makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..." [:I][:I][:I][:I]
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began
removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"[:o)]
It's not what you know that gets you in trouble, it's what you know that just ain't so!
Resident Pyrrhonist
President Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion
related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the
president if he would like to lead the discussion on the
word 'tragedy'?
So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a
'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: 'If
my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the
field and a tractor runs over him and kills
him, would that be a tragedy?'
'No,' said
Obama, 'that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50
children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, would
that be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama.
'That's what we would call great loss.'
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched
the room. 'Isn't there someone here who
can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In
a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying
you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a
'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a
tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama.
'That's right. And can you tell me
why that would be tragedy?'
'Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy,
because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss... And it
probably wouldn't be an accident either
They came up with about 40 names. Miss Sandy Smith came up with four more.
Not impressed, Mr Jones told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.
From the back of the room Little Johnny yelled, "Yeah, but in those days there were only 13!"
Mom looks at him and replies, "Well, I was standing here watching you do your chores through the window. When you got done milking the cow I saw you kick her, so you're not getting any milk. When you finished feeding the pigs, you kicked a couple of them, so you don't get any bacon. And when you were done feeding the chickens, you kicked a few of them, so you're not getting any eggs either."
At that time Johhny's dad walks in and kicks the cat across the room. Johnny glances at his mom and says, "Do you want to break the news to him, or should I?"
Johnny came in and asked his grandma what it was called when 2 people slept in the same room, one on top of the other.
Grandma decided to shoot straight with Johnny and informed him it was known as sexual intercourse.
Johnny satisfied with the answer, ran out and went back to playing with his friends.
About an hour later Johnny came back inside, mad. He informed his grandma that is was in fact bunk beds and that Tony's mom wanted to speak with her.
Johny can't wait to put up his hand and blurts out "none, the rest of the birds will hear the shot and fly away". She says to Johnny, "Well...that's not the answer I was looking for but I like the way you think".
Johnny then draws 3 ladies sitting on a park bench eating ice cream. One was biting the ice cream, the other used a spoon and the third one was licking it from a cone. He then asks the teacher to show which one is the one that's married. The teacher couldn't make up her mind and then said, "Well...if I had to take a guess, its the one licking the ice cream". Johnny points out the hand on the woman eating it with the spoon and says ...."Nope....its the one with the wedding ring on her finger....but I like the way you think".
"Yes," he says, "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers little Johnny.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"
Little Johnny smiles and says, "Jack."
The Tooth Brush Salesman
> The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.
>
> Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
> salesmanship.
>
> Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she
> said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil
> spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
>
> "Very good", said the teacher.
> Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I
> explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current
> events."
>
> "Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.
> Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.
> Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box of
> cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?
> "Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny.
> "Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough
> tooth brushes to make that much money?"
>
> "I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a
> Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
>
> They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" I would
> say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama
> method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling
> you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your
> mouth."
>
> Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.
> Bless his heart.
>
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his Mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?
His Mom says, "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"?
His Mom replies, "OK, now tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue." [:D][:o)][:I]
> Unfortunately, , the baby was born with no ears.
> When they arrived home from the hospital, the new
> parents invited Little Johnny's family over to see
> the new baby.
>
> Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son
> would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So,
> Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little
> Johnny before going to the neighbors.
>
> He said, "Now son, that poor baby was born without
> any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior
> and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really
> going to spank your butt when we get back home."
>
> "I promise not to mention his ears at all," said
> Little Johnny.
>
> At the neighbors home Little Johnny leaned over the
> crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at
> it's mother and said, "Oh what a beautiful little baby!"
>
> The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's
> comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank
> you very much Little Johnny."
>
> He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands,
> and perfect little feet. Why just look at his
> pretty little eyes...Did the doctor say he can see good?"
>
> The mother said a bit bewildered, "Why yes...the
> doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"
>
> Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a damn good
> thing, 'cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses!!!"
When Clinton left office they gave him a 21 gun salute. Its a damn shame they all missed....
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades
and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because
of this.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave
early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and
will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these gripees would keep
their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!"
Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"
"Go over,go under,go around,or go through.But never give up."
His father asked him three times what was wrong and why he was crying.
Finally, the little boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us to be brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys!! [}:)][:D][}:)]
"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really ****, I've got nothing left to live for!"
(this is my favorite)
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the mailman wants to buy Mom ..'