Joke For The Day

Alpine

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

Alpine

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be foregiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Alpine

A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.

The teacher says to the first child 'hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?'

Becky replies ' I have been playing in the sand box'.

'Very good' says the teacher 'if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a cookie'

Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.

'Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a cookie.

The teacher then says 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?'

Freddie replies 'playing with Becky in the sand box'.

'Very good' says the teacher. 'If you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a cookie'

Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.

'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a cookie.

Teacher then says 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?'

'No' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me and calling me nasty names'.

'Oh dear' says the teacher.

'That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me - I tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a cookie'. [;)][;)]

Alpine

A fifteen-year old boy walked into a pharmacy. "How much is it for one condom?", he asked the pharmacist. "Sorry, son, but they only come in packs of three and they're $3.50," said the pharmacist. "Darn," said the disappointed boy, "I don't have enough money. And today I was planning on getting lucky with my new girlfriend." "Well," said the pharmacist, "in that case you can take a box for free." "Gee, thanks!!!" yelled the boy as he dashed out the door holding the box of condoms.

That night, he was at his girlfriends' house, and everyone was seated at the dinner table, ready to eat. They all said grace with bowed heads, and then they began eating. As dinner progressed, the girl noticed that the boy's head was still bowed. "I didn't know you were so religious," she whispered to her young boyfriend, impressed.

"And, I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist," was his reply.

Alpine

sorry if you heard it..........

Train Ride.

Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Swiss Alps, are a
French guy an American guy, an elderly Greek lady and a young blonde
Swiss woman.


The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is
the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the
Frenchman has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.


The elderly lady thinks: The Frenchman must have groped the blonde in
the dark, and she slapped his cheek.


The blonde thinks: That Frenchman must have tried to grope me in the
dark, but missed and fondled the elderly lady and she slapped his cheek.


The Frenchman thinks: The American must have groped the blonde in the
dark.
She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.


The American thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack
the poop out of that Frenchman again.

Alpine

A television station was airing the story of an 80 year-old lady who was getting married. The reporter asked her how they were going to spend the rest of their days. The lady told him that while she was retired, her husband actually still worked as an embalmer at the local funeral home. She then informed him that this was actually her fourth marriage.

The reporter asked about the occupations of her prior husbands and she told him the first husband had been a banker, the second husband was the ring announcer for a circus and the third husband was a preacher. The reporter then asked her about the variety of occupations of her husbands.

She thought for a bit and then said, "Well, I guess it was one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go!!"

Alpine

fastcarsgofast

[:D][:D][:D][:D]

7RiverMan7

[:p]good stuff

lee_dan

Funny

calrugerfan

True story here. A friend of the family was the president of a company and most of the high up administration knew that he was mormon. One day, somebody in the administration wanted to razz him a bit, so he asked him what he thought about the "New Mormon Ken Doll." My friend, intrigued, asked what he meant. He said, "It comes with TWO barbies."

Not wanting to be outdone, he replied, "ONLY TWO?"

savage170

[:D][:D][:D]