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THE OBAMA NATION PRIMER
The little red hen called all of her Democrat neighbors together and said, 'If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?'
'Not I,' said the cow.
'Not I,' said the duck.
'Not I,' said the pig.
'Not I,' said the goose.
'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did. The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain.
'Who will help me reap my wheat?' asked the little red hen.
'Not I,' said the duck...
'Out of my classification,' said the pig.
'I'd lose my seniority,' said the cow.
'I'd lose my unemployment compensation,' said the goose.
'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did.
At last it came time to bake the bread.
'Who will help me bake the bread?' asked the little red hen.
'That would be overtime for me,' said the cow.
'I'd lose my welfare benefits,' said the duck.
'I'm a dropout and never learned how,' said the pig.
'If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination,' said the goose.
'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen.
She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, 'No, I shall eat all five loaves.'
'Excess profits!' cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)
'Capitalist leech!' screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)
'I demand equal rights!' yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)
The pig just grunted in disdain. (Ted Kennedy)
And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.
Then the farmer (Obama) came. He said to the little red hen, 'You must not be so greedy.'
'But I earned the bread,' said the little red hen.
'Exactly,' said Barack the farmer. 'That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle.'
And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, 'I am grateful, for now I truly understand.'
But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.
(Bread became scarce and the price tripled)
Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared...so long as there was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.
EPILOGUE
Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.
Hillary got $8 million for hers.
That's $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years, repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted
by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time,
I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners..."
''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!''
and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open...
''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"Now if this vaccum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork,
'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
A grandfather was eating breakfast with his 10 year old granddaughter when he asked if she knew what tomorrow was. Without skipping a beat, she replied "Yes, it's Presidents Day". She is smart, so he asked, "And do you know what that means?" She answered, "Yep, sure do.".
Waiting, he expected something thoughtful about Reagan, Clinton, Bush or Obama. Instead she continued, "Well, it is when President Obama sticks his head out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of cow cookies!".
First Irish Farmer:"my cow fell down a hole and i had to shoot it." Second Farmer: Did you shoot it in the hole?" First Irish Farmer: "Nope.....in the head"
"Hi, honey, this is Daddy .... Is your Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank,"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank,
honey!
"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now!"
"Uh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run
upstairs and knock on the bedroom
door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled
up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I
did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming, then she
tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's
all dead."
"Oh my God!!!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and
he jumped out the back window
into the swimming pool ... but he must have forgot that last week you
took out all the water to clean it, so
he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."
***long pause***
***more pause****
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? Is this 555-7039?"
"Sell not virtue to purchase wealth, not liberty to purchase power."
Benjamin Franklin, 1785
Seen this one before, but still a good one..specially during these times.
A large group of lingering Taliban soldiers is moving down a road when they hear a voice from behind a sand dune:
"One U.S. Special Forces soldier is better than 10 Taliban!"
The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle erupts, then silence.
The voice then calls out, "One U.S. Special Forces soldier is better than 100 Taliban!"
Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and, instantly, a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The American voice calls out once more, "One U.S. Special Forces soldier is better than 1,000 Taliban!"
The enraged Taliban Commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle rages. Then silence.
Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and, with his dying words, tells his commander, "Don't send any more men! It's a trap-there are two of them!"
My neighbors the lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex it was very nice of them,but I think they miss understood me when I said
" I wanna watch "
A burglar broke into a home. He heard a soft voice say,"Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was his imagination, he continued...Again,"Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot said yes. He asked the parrot his name. The parrot said, "Moses."The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The parrot said, "The same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus!!
An elderly lady was walking on the golf course on the island of Martha's Vineyard . She slipped and fell.
Obama who was behind her by chance, helped her to get up promptly. She thanked him and he answered "It was a pleasure to help you. Don't you recognize me? I am your president. Are you going to vote for me in the next election? "
The elderly woman laughed and replied: ''No way, I fell on my but ... not on my head......
A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father
said,
>"Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field." A short time
>later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his
son.
>"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet." The son
>answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
I was
>quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when
the
>skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath
when
>the
>wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss
or
>scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two
chipmunks
>crawled up my pant legs and said, "Should we eat them here or take
them
>with
>us? Well, I guess I just panicked!"
AS A MOM PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE
BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN.
OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL
WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR.
SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?"
THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND
THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND!
PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."
THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE
OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR.
UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE
TO HER VIBRATOR.
TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: "DAD I'M
THIRTY- FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER
GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."
A COUPLE DAYS LATER, MOM CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE
GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING
FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM.
SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH,
DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM
ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.
THE WIFE ASKED: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"
THE HUSBAND REPLIED: "I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW
Subject: 2012
>>
>> Johnny was in the egg business.. He had several hundred young layers
>> (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters to fertilize them. He kept
>> records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was
>> replaced.
>>
>> This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them
>> to
>> his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a
>> distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch
>> and
>> fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
>>
>> John's favorite rooster, Obama, was a very fine specimen, but this
>> morning
>> he noticed Obama's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate,
>> he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but
>> the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
>>
>> To John's amazement, Obama had thought of a way to do it without work, he
>> had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet,
>> do his job and walk on to the next one.
>>
>> John was so proud of Obama, he entered him in the Chicago County Fair and
>> he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
>>
>> The result was the judges not only awarded Obama the No Bell Piece Prize
>> but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
>>
>> Clearly Obama was a politician. Who else but a politician could figure
>> out
>> how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being
>> the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they
>> weren't paying attention.
>>
>> Vote carefully next fall, the bells are not always audible
a black kid and his sister dressed as George and Martha Washington for Halloween. Went to the old lady's house and said "trick or treat". Old lady tells them they can't be George and Martha 'cause they are black.
the go home and change to go as Abe and his wife. Old lady tells them the lincolns weren't black.
the black kids go home, strip nekkid, and go to the old lady's house. When she recovers from the shock she asks who they are.
The black boy says "we are Hershy bars, one with nuts, one without".
I was in a pub last Saturday night. Had a few....and noticed two very large women at the bar.
They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you ladies from Scotland?"
One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"
A man was sitting out on the porch of his rural home enjoying a cup of coffee. He spotted a chicken out in the road. It was weird since no one within miles raised chickens.
The man went out to the road and scooped the chicken up, took her to his pole barn and fixed up a nice roost for her. Then he drove into town and bought a bag of chicken feed and thought about the good eggs he would be getting.
The next morning took his coffee to the pole barn and reached under the chicken and was surprised to find a shiny new penny and left some feed for the chicken. Well the next morning he reached under the chicken and found a shiny new nickel. Most unusual he thought and left some feed out for the chicken. On the third day he found a dime. By now he had become attached to this chicken, wanted an occasional egg, and concerned the chicken must be sick.
The man found an old cage, put the chicken in and drove to town to see the vet.
After hearing the man's story, the vet examined the chicken and ran a test. He pronounced the chicken was normal.
The man said how could that be?
The vet repeated that the chicken was fine and
wait
wait
wait
here it is
the chicken was going through the change. [:0][:o)]
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that would move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I
ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no
idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father watched with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to
his son, "Boy, go * yo Momma.... "
One day a woman was out selling air freshener. She walks around the city lookin for office buildings and she finds one that is about 100 stories tall. She went in and got on the elevator, she decided to go up to the top floor. When the door closed the elevator took off and gave her a good jolt, she suddenly farted. Embarrassed by her loss of control she decided to cover the horrible smell with her air freshner products. She dug around in her bag and chose to use a pine fresh scent, so she sprays the inside of elevator while she is going up. Somewhere around the 30th floor the elevator stops and an elderly man gets on . She being unsure of air freshner success decides to have a chat with the man. She asks him if he noticed the fresh smell in the elevator when he got on. The man stood straight up, took in a deep breath, thought for a minute or two and tells her " Mam, it smells like someone fooey a pine tree"!
A mother is driving her 7 year-old daughter to her friend's house for a play date when the little girl asks "Mommy," how old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replies sweetly. "It's not polite." "OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, a bit less sweetly. "Those are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" "That's enough questions, young lady, honestly!" mom says as her daughter is getting out of the car. The exasperated mother drives away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
Now mom's getting mad. She says, "Oh really? And just why is that, young lady?" "Because you got an F in sex."[:D][:D][:D][:D][:D]
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing."
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
An! d round ed and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From
morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining
about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out
plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the
field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and
began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him
again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her
smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather
odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen
for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner
approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in
disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the
old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him
why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his
head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something
about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my
head in agreement."
Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
Woman yells out window, "PIG!"
Man yells out window, "onager!"
Man rounds next curve...
Crashes into a huge pig in middle of road.
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,
'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,
'From now on, you need to know that I am the man
of this house and my
word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when
I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After
dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of
sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can
relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair?
The wife replied, "The f---kin' funeral
director would be my first guess"...
Wondering who would answer, called 1-800-123-4567 and got an answering machine requesting address of where help was needed. The address was left on the answering machine.
Then next day at 7AM, a mexican kid shows up with a lawnmower.
[:D]
Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a Chicago Park when a crazed Rottweiler suddenly attacks one of the boys. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hockey stick, shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it and breaks the dog's neck, saving his friend.
A reporter is standing by, sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Cub Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Cubs fan," the little boy replies. "Sorry, but since we're in Chicago, I just assumed you were," says the reporter and starts writing again.
"Sox Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook. "But I'm not a Sox fan either," the little boy replies. "Sorry, but since we're in Chicago and you aren't a Cubs fan, I just assumed you had to be a Sox," says the reporter and starts writing again.
"Bears Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook. "I'm not a Bears fan either," says the boy. "Oh... I assumed everyone in Chicago was either for the Cubs, Sox or Bears. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Colts fan," the boy replies. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:
"Little punk From Indiana Kills Beloved Family Pet!"
A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes. "What happened to you?" asked the doctor. "Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cow's *. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that's when I made my mistake." The doctor looked puzzled and asked, "What mistake was that?"
"I said 'Hey this looks like yours hun!'"
The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die". She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow".
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist."
That's when the proctologist fainted.
Better to have and not need, than need and not have.
Comments
The little red hen called all of her Democrat neighbors together and said, 'If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?'
'Not I,' said the cow.
'Not I,' said the duck.
'Not I,' said the pig.
'Not I,' said the goose.
'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did. The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain.
'Who will help me reap my wheat?' asked the little red hen.
'Not I,' said the duck...
'Out of my classification,' said the pig.
'I'd lose my seniority,' said the cow.
'I'd lose my unemployment compensation,' said the goose.
'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did.
At last it came time to bake the bread.
'Who will help me bake the bread?' asked the little red hen.
'That would be overtime for me,' said the cow.
'I'd lose my welfare benefits,' said the duck.
'I'm a dropout and never learned how,' said the pig.
'If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination,' said the goose.
'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen.
She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, 'No, I shall eat all five loaves.'
'Excess profits!' cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)
'Capitalist leech!' screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)
'I demand equal rights!' yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)
The pig just grunted in disdain. (Ted Kennedy)
And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.
Then the farmer (Obama) came. He said to the little red hen, 'You must not be so greedy.'
'But I earned the bread,' said the little red hen.
'Exactly,' said Barack the farmer. 'That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle.'
And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, 'I am grateful, for now I truly understand.'
But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.
(Bread became scarce and the price tripled)
Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared...so long as there was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.
EPILOGUE
Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.
Hillary got $8 million for hers.
That's $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years, repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.
IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT ?
cid:1.885105893@web113606.mail.gq1.yahoo.com
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted
by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time,
I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners..."
''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!''
and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open...
''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"Now if this vaccum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork,
'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
Waiting, he expected something thoughtful about Reagan, Clinton, Bush or Obama. Instead she continued, "Well, it is when President Obama sticks his head out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of cow cookies!".
The phone call
((( ring )))
((((((((((( ring-g-g-g-g)))))))))))
***pick up***
"Hello?"
"Hi, honey, this is Daddy .... Is your Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank,"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank,
honey!
"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now!"
"Uh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run
upstairs and knock on the bedroom
door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled
up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I
did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming, then she
tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's
all dead."
"Oh my God!!!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and
he jumped out the back window
into the swimming pool ... but he must have forgot that last week you
took out all the water to clean it, so
he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."
***long pause***
***more pause****
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? Is this 555-7039?"
"Sell not virtue to purchase wealth, not liberty to purchase power."
Benjamin Franklin, 1785
A large group of lingering Taliban soldiers is moving down a road when they hear a voice from behind a sand dune:
"One U.S. Special Forces soldier is better than 10 Taliban!"
The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle erupts, then silence.
The voice then calls out, "One U.S. Special Forces soldier is better than 100 Taliban!"
Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and, instantly, a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The American voice calls out once more, "One U.S. Special Forces soldier is better than 1,000 Taliban!"
The enraged Taliban Commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle rages. Then silence.
Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and, with his dying words, tells his commander, "Don't send any more men! It's a trap-there are two of them!"
" I wanna watch "
Obama who was behind her by chance, helped her to get up promptly. She thanked him and he answered "It was a pleasure to help you. Don't you recognize me? I am your president. Are you going to vote for me in the next election? "
The elderly woman laughed and replied: ''No way, I fell on my but ... not on my head......
said,
>"Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field." A short time
>later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his
son.
>"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet." The son
>answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
I was
>quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when
the
>skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath
when
>the
>wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss
or
>scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two
chipmunks
>crawled up my pant legs and said, "Should we eat them here or take
them
>with
>us? Well, I guess I just panicked!"
BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN.
OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL
WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR.
SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?"
THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND
THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND!
PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."
THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE
OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR.
UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE
TO HER VIBRATOR.
TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: "DAD I'M
THIRTY- FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER
GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."
A COUPLE DAYS LATER, MOM CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE
GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING
FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM.
SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH,
DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM
ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.
THE WIFE ASKED: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"
THE HUSBAND REPLIED: "I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW
>>
>> Johnny was in the egg business.. He had several hundred young layers
>> (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters to fertilize them. He kept
>> records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was
>> replaced.
>>
>> This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them
>> to
>> his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a
>> distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch
>> and
>> fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
>>
>> John's favorite rooster, Obama, was a very fine specimen, but this
>> morning
>> he noticed Obama's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate,
>> he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but
>> the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
>>
>> To John's amazement, Obama had thought of a way to do it without work, he
>> had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet,
>> do his job and walk on to the next one.
>>
>> John was so proud of Obama, he entered him in the Chicago County Fair and
>> he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
>>
>> The result was the judges not only awarded Obama the No Bell Piece Prize
>> but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
>>
>> Clearly Obama was a politician. Who else but a politician could figure
>> out
>> how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being
>> the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they
>> weren't paying attention.
>>
>> Vote carefully next fall, the bells are not always audible
a black kid and his sister dressed as George and Martha Washington for Halloween. Went to the old lady's house and said "trick or treat". Old lady tells them they can't be George and Martha 'cause they are black.
the go home and change to go as Abe and his wife. Old lady tells them the lincolns weren't black.
the black kids go home, strip nekkid, and go to the old lady's house. When she recovers from the shock she asks who they are.
The black boy says "we are Hershy bars, one with nuts, one without".
They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you ladies from Scotland?"
One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"
That's all I remember
The man went out to the road and scooped the chicken up, took her to his pole barn and fixed up a nice roost for her. Then he drove into town and bought a bag of chicken feed and thought about the good eggs he would be getting.
The next morning took his coffee to the pole barn and reached under the chicken and was surprised to find a shiny new penny and left some feed for the chicken. Well the next morning he reached under the chicken and found a shiny new nickel. Most unusual he thought and left some feed out for the chicken. On the third day he found a dime. By now he had become attached to this chicken, wanted an occasional egg, and concerned the chicken must be sick.
The man found an old cage, put the chicken in and drove to town to see the vet.
After hearing the man's story, the vet examined the chicken and ran a test. He pronounced the chicken was normal.
The man said how could that be?
The vet repeated that the chicken was fine and
wait
wait
wait
here it is
the chicken was going through the change. [:0][:o)]
The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I
ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no
idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father watched with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to
his son, "Boy, go * yo Momma.... "
DarkStar11Walk In Peace...But Carry A Big Stick
Edited by - DarkStar11 on 05/07/2002 15:52:01
"Keep turnin to the RIGHT"
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
Now mom's getting mad. She says, "Oh really? And just why is that, young lady?" "Because you got an F in sex."[:D][:D][:D][:D][:D]
7:00 P.M. Opening flag burning.
7:15 P.M. Pledge of allegiance to U.N.
7:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
7:30 till 8:00 P.M. Non religious prayer and worship.
Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.
8:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:05 P.M . Ceremonial tree hugging.
8:15- 8:30 P.M. Gay Wedding-- Barney Frank Presiding.
8:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:35 P.M. Free Saddam Rally. Cindy Sheehan -- Susan Sarandon.
9:00 P.M. Keynote speech. The proper etiquette for surrender -- French
President Jacques Chirac.
9:15 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
9:20 P.M. Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund.
9:30 P.M. Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo
Bay with Sean Penn.
9:40 P.M. Why I hate the military, a short talk by William Jefferson
Clinton.
9:45 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
9:50 P.M. Dan Rather presented Truth in Broadcasting award, presented
by Michael Moore.
9:55 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
10:00 P.M. How George Bush and Donald Rumsfeld brought down the World
Trade Center Towers -- Howard Dean.
10:30 P.M. Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Mahmud Ahnadinejad.
11:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
11:05 P.M. Al Gore reinvents Internet.
11:15 P.M. Our Troops are War criminals -- John Kerry.
11:30 P.M. Coronation Of Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton.
12:00 A.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
12:05 A.M. Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home!
???? Oh also why was this post deleted?
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing."
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
An! d round ed and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth.
Ruined the whole blessed thing.
morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining
about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out
plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the
field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and
began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him
again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her
smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather
odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen
for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner
approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in
disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the
old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him
why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his
head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something
about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my
head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
Pa rum pum...
It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been
staring at the plaque for some time, so the minister walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly,
"Good morning Alex."
"Good morning sir," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" he asked the minister.
The minister said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
_________________
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
Woman yells out window, "PIG!"
Man yells out window, "onager!"
Man rounds next curve...
Crashes into a huge pig in middle of road.
If only men would listen.
rcdis
Their middle names man!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,
'From now on, you need to know that I am the man
of this house and my
word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when
I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After
dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of
sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can
relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair?
The wife replied, "The f---kin' funeral
director would be my first guess"...
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
"Need Help, Call Jesus at 1-800-123-4567"
Wondering who would answer, called 1-800-123-4567 and got an answering machine requesting address of where help was needed. The address was left on the answering machine.
Then next day at 7AM, a mexican kid shows up with a lawnmower.
[:D]
What is a yankee!
Te same as a quickie but a guy can do it alone.
Why is divorce so expensive!
Because its worth it.
Why is air a lot like sex!
Because its no big deal unless you re not getting any,
Those who live by the sword will be killed by those who dont. Glyn
A reporter is standing by, sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Cub Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Cubs fan," the little boy replies. "Sorry, but since we're in Chicago, I just assumed you were," says the reporter and starts writing again.
"Sox Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook. "But I'm not a Sox fan either," the little boy replies. "Sorry, but since we're in Chicago and you aren't a Cubs fan, I just assumed you had to be a Sox," says the reporter and starts writing again.
"Bears Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook. "I'm not a Bears fan either," says the boy. "Oh... I assumed everyone in Chicago was either for the Cubs, Sox or Bears. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Colts fan," the boy replies. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:
"Little punk From Indiana Kills Beloved Family Pet!"
Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.
Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support"
Carlos looks at Jose's sign.
It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico"
[8D][:D][8D]
CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?*
Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!*
Here's a good one. No offence to anyone, ok?
A man dashes into the Pope's office, panting, gasping, and trying to speak all at once.
"What's the matter?" the Pope asks, offering the man a seat.
"Oh your Grace!" the man exclaims, flopping on the chair. "I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"
"Give me the good news," the Pope says.
"Oh your Grace! JESUS is on the phone and he wants to speak to you!" the panting man exclaims.
"Praise the Lord!" the jubilant Pope replies, "What could the bad news possibly be?"
"Your Grace, he's calling from Mecca!" [:D][}:)]
[:D]
"I said 'Hey this looks like yours hun!'"
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die". She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow".
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist."
That's when the proctologist fainted.
Better to have and not need, than need and not have.
W.D.