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Sheriff in one of the parishes in Louisiana got wind there was some chicken fighting going on. He called in his best detective and told him to investigate and see who was in on it.
Monday the detective reported back and told the sheriff he'd gotten in, saw the action and knew all of the folks involved. Informed the sheriff that the Aggies from A & M were there. When asked he said they had brought a duck to a chicken fight, Sheriff allowed that it sounded like something the Aggies would do. Who else? Well the Cajuns were involved also. How you know this? Well they was betting on the duck. Sheriff though that sounded like something they would do. Who else? Well the Mafia. Mafia? Why you think that? Well the duck won.[:D][:D][:D][:D]
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor.
The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea!"
The little guy thinks "GHEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."
So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. All the while thinking, " Why shouldn't I be at the bar if I want to?"
About and hour later he returns to the bar and walks up behind the big dude and --"WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big fellow off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears!"
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote
mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW
advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan
sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,
Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook
computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to
a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get
an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA
satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop
and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany
.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that
the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an
MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and
says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,"
says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks
on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his
car.
Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
"Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess
that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up
here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer
I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of
dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me
you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a
living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ..
quote:
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors male dog at her house while they were away on vacation. She had a large house however and believed that she could keep them apart.
As she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.
She was unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next. Although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said.. "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."
Four Jewish brothers left home for college to become a lawyer, a doctor, a hedge fund operator, and a retailer. They all prospered. Some years later, chatting after a Channukah dinner, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an 600SL with a chauffeur."
The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loves reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Torah.
It took 20 rabbis 12 years to teach him.
I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it.
Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks so much."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver is a Nazi. A million thanks."
"Menachem, you give me a theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. Thanks anyway."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious."
A guy walks into a bar in D.C., sits down, and orders a drink. He looks down at the end of the bar, and sees George Bush, and Donald Rumsfeld having a drink. He asks the bartender if that's who he thinks it is, and the bartender says, "Yes, they come in here all the time." So, he walks over to them, introduces himself, and says "Wow. I'm really impressed with the job that you've been doing. But, I have to ask: What do you guys talk about when you're at the bar having drinks?" Rumsfeld responds, "Well buddy, we're talking about World War III. It starts tomorrow." The guy, obviously shocked asks, "What?...How?...What's going to happen?" Bush responds that "Tomorrow we are going to kill 50 million muslims, and one beautiful big-boobed blond." The guy, even more shocked asks, "Well what are you going to kill the blond for?" Bush looked at Rumsfeld and said, "See!!! I told you nobody gives a crap about 50 million muslims."
Sitting together on a train was Obama, George Bush Jr., a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts..
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.
The blonde girl thinks: Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.
Obama thinks: Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
George Bush thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.
A woman went to her Health Maintenance Organization. After
about 15 minutes with one of the new doctors, she went
screaming down the hall. Another doctor stopped and asked
her what the problem was and she explained.
The second doctor went back to the first and said, "What's
the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old. She has
four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told
her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor simply smiled and said,
"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
A pastor decides he'd like to have a bird for a pet so he goes to the pet store and sees a Parrot. The bird is very pretty and well colored so the pastor asks the proprietor about him. The more he hears about the bird the better he likes it, but he has one final question before he will buy it- the pastor tells the proprietor that he is a pastor and has visits at least once a day from parishoners, some of which are women that would be highly offended by off-color language, so how is the bird for language? the proprietor assures the pastor that the bird is very well mannered and doesn't even know andy swear words. So the pastor buys the bird and takes him home to the parsonage.
Later in the day a group of women visit and they are enamoured with the bird. All evening each woman walks over to the bird. picks up a treat, holds it in front of the bird and says in a falsetto voice "Polly want a cracker?". the bird says to himsself- first of all, my name isn't Polly". By the end of the evening the bird is sick and tired of falsetto voiced women, crackers, and being called Polly; but finally all the parishoners leave and the pastor puts a cover on the birds home and the parrot goes to sleep, hoping that the next day will bring parishoners that are more civilized in their treatment of him.
But to his surprise, as the pastor pulls the cover from the birdcage the first words out of his mouth are a squeakie "Polly want a cracker?" this is more than the bird can take and he loses his temper, calling out in a loud voice to the pastor "Oh just blow it out your ear!!"
The pastor is stunned, but recovers quickly and grabs the parrot, marches over to the freezer, pitches the vird in and slams the door. After about ten minutes, he opens the freezer door and takes the shivering bird out. He holds the bird up and asks him if he learned his lesson regarding language like that. The bird responds that he did.
The pastor then asks the parrot if he has any questions. The parrot says he has just one:"WHAT DID THE TURKEY SAY?"
This is for my buddy that wont talk to me[:o)][:D]
NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN ARKANSAS
Two hillbillies walk into a DairyQueen. While having a
couple of DQ Blizzards, they talk privately about their moonshine
operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table,eating a chicken
sandwich, begins to cough.
After a while, it becomes apparent that she is in real
distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya
swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, eyes
widen and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts up the
back of her dress, yanks down her panties and quickly gives her
right butt cheek a long lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and
the obstruction flies out of her mouth. She begins to
breathe again, the hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table.
His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind
Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it.
Collections
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful. What does he do for a living?"
''He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money." the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada . He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno ."
Jesse Jackson is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the
Classes.
They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings.
The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion
of the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an
example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks
him dead, that would be a tragedy." "No," says the Great Jesse Jackson,"
that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we
would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children
volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can
give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet
voice he says: "If a jet carrying the Rev.& Mrs. Jackson were struck by a
missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!"
exclaims Jackson, That's right. And can you tell me why that would be
tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it
probably wouldn't be an accident either."
Guncontrol-The ability to hit what your aiming at.
Boudreaux staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Thibodeaux. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Clotile.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting on the Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Clotile staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Boudreaux?" Boudreaux said, "Mon cher, why you say such a mean ting?"
"Well," Clotile said," it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes,but mostly......it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not
happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect. He never
heard the shot....
A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man say, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man say, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This beocmes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offed me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll alwasy be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs..
A study in Scotland showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features and if she is menstruating she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved into his temple.
Certified SIG pistol armorer/FFL Dealer/Full time Peace Officer, Moderator of the General Discussion Board on Gunbroker. Visit www.gunbroker.com, the premier gun auction site on the Net! Email davidnunn@texoma.net Jesus is Lord!
Yummy Fingers!
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, Honey?"
"Mommy, where's my booger[:0][:0]
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you." [:0]
An old prospector shuffled into the town
of El Indio , Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed
straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really
wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe
blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a
double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's *?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said,
"No sir...... but... I've always wanted to."
A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking of
whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player
Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.
"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4 driver and
a Lieutenant Commander in Naval Air, but when they retired the
Phantom, all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashiered me as well. I
learned to play the piano at O-Club happy hours, so here I am."
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it
had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business
was falling off. So, why not give him a try?
The seedy LtCdr staggered his way over to the piano while
several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of
music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of
soaring music, unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished
there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the
name of the song he had just played.
It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall
For You!" said the Commander. After a long pull from the beer, leaving
it empty, "I wrote it myself."
The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano
player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime
that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter
pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and
told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."
He then excused himself and lurched to the john.
When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Look fly boy,
the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is
hanging out?"
"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!".
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.
Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time. The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
Peter goes to the doctor and says,
'Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because they didn't smell and are silent.'
The doctor says, 'I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.'
The next week Peter goes back. 'Doctor,' he says, 'I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my gas, although still silent, stink terribly.'
'Good,' the doctor said. 'Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.'[^][:0]
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest road
when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
" My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the
wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees
the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off,
A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and
goes over to the counter.
A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She
says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and
reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't
believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's
on sale t his week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of
it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her
credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is
really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk
could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she
was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the
rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies," Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call
is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at
midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the
latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is
sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care
of it.
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the
aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors
and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes
even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic
about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job
deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, 'Son, your
attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to
personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished.'
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands
tall and says, 'Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman
in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11
months without any leave, and reindeers' * are beginning to look pretty
good to me. I have one stripe; its 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is
40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump poop out of an aircraft.
Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?'
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad
> >bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried
> >about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
> >The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
> >
> >The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes
I
> >have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
> >
> >"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
> >
> >"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
> >
> >"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her
> >knees and blows it right back up."
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy
> >Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at
> >the
> >table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue
> >playing standing up.
> >
> >Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to
tell
> >Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
> >
> >They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to
be
> >discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
> >
> >"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion
> >is
> >me middle name. Leave it to me."
> >
> >Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
Murphy
> >answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just
lost
> >$500 and is afraid to come home."
> >
> >"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.
> >
> >"I'll go tell him," says Gallagher
A city fellow went to a dude ranch out west. He was asking one of the resident cowboys about his attire. "Why do you guys wear those big hats?" "Well" replied the cowboy, "the big hat is to keep the sun off our face and neck during a long day in the saddle."
"Why does your shirt have snaps instead of buttons?" The cowboy replied "If we get up in the brush, and the limbs catch our clothes, the snaps will come unsnapped, whereas if we had buttons, the brush would tear the buttons off."
"I undertand, but why are all you guys wearing tennis shoes instead of cowboy boots?" asked the dude. "Oh," replied the cowboy, "that's so no one will mistake us for a truck driver."
Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain were flying to a debate.
Barack looked at Hillary, Chuckled and said, "You know I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."
John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills
out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his
copilot, "Such big-shots back there, I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."
Two women went out for a ladies night out without their husbands. On their way home from the clubs, they needed to use the bathroom. To their surprise, they could not find anything open but saw a cemetery. They drove in and walked to a quite corner of the cemetery. They did not have anything to blot themselves with after peeing so one used her panties and discarded them. The other used a ribbon from a flower arrangement off a gravesite.
The next night their husbands were hanging out and one of them said to the other, "I think I may need to watch my wife a little better. She came home last night without any panties." The other said, "Yeah, me too. My wife came home with a card stuck to her butt that said "Thanks for all the good times. We are going to miss you. Love, The Entire Fire Department."
His name was Bubba, he was from Alabama ... And he needed a loan, So... He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International Redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000, and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a brand new Ferrari.
The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer
agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the South for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.
The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from University Alabama, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
His name was BUBBA.... Keep an eye on those southern boys!
Just because we talk funny does not mean we are stupid.
Bob left work one Friday evening.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
I LOVE MUSTARD (a true story):
>If you have children you will probably relate to this father. As ham
>sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce
>and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw
>aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up
>with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Hold Johnny
>(our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said. I had him balanced
>between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich
>when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no
>napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down
>faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue
>protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys
>do, only I did it on my tongue. Later (after she stopped crying from laughing
>so hard) my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard "Poupon.'"
>When you stop laughing, pass it on.
A old eastern Ky. Farmer had a wife who naged him From morning to dark and then some. Well he took to plowing the back 40 2 or 3 times a week so he didn't have to listen to her. One day she brought his lunch out to him. He no sooner got set down on a stump to eat when she staryted in " NAG, NAG" Well the mule was tired of it too. The mule hauled off and kicked her so hard she was dead before she hit the ground.
A couple days later, at the funnerl the preist noticed some thing odd. All the women who went to talk to the old man would say a few words and the old man would nod his head, every one no exception. When the men went to talk yo him he would shack his no, every man there.
Well the preast got to wondering what was going on,so he just up and asked the old man. "Well all the women said how good my wife looked and how nice she was dressed."
scrool down
"And all the men wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
Comments
Monday the detective reported back and told the sheriff he'd gotten in, saw the action and knew all of the folks involved. Informed the sheriff that the Aggies from A & M were there. When asked he said they had brought a duck to a chicken fight, Sheriff allowed that it sounded like something the Aggies would do. Who else? Well the Cajuns were involved also. How you know this? Well they was betting on the duck. Sheriff though that sounded like something they would do. Who else? Well the Mafia. Mafia? Why you think that? Well the duck won.[:D][:D][:D][:D]
The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea!"
The little guy thinks "GHEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."
So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. All the while thinking, " Why shouldn't I be at the bar if I want to?"
About and hour later he returns to the bar and walks up behind the big dude and --"WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big fellow off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears!"
mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW
advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan
sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,
Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook
computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to
a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get
an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA
satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop
and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany
.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that
the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an
MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and
says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,"
says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks
on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his
car.
Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
"Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess
that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up
here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer
I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of
dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me
you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a
living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ..
Now give me back my dog.
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors male dog at her house while they were away on vacation. She had a large house however and believed that she could keep them apart.
As she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.
She was unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next. Although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said.. "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me" he replied .
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an 600SL with a chauffeur."
The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loves reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Torah.
It took 20 rabbis 12 years to teach him.
I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it.
Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks so much."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver is a Nazi. A million thanks."
"Menachem, you give me a theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. Thanks anyway."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious."
A guy walks into a bar in D.C., sits down, and orders a drink. He looks down at the end of the bar, and sees George Bush, and Donald Rumsfeld having a drink. He asks the bartender if that's who he thinks it is, and the bartender says, "Yes, they come in here all the time." So, he walks over to them, introduces himself, and says "Wow. I'm really impressed with the job that you've been doing. But, I have to ask: What do you guys talk about when you're at the bar having drinks?" Rumsfeld responds, "Well buddy, we're talking about World War III. It starts tomorrow." The guy, obviously shocked asks, "What?...How?...What's going to happen?" Bush responds that "Tomorrow we are going to kill 50 million muslims, and one beautiful big-boobed blond." The guy, even more shocked asks, "Well what are you going to kill the blond for?" Bush looked at Rumsfeld and said, "See!!! I told you nobody gives a crap about 50 million muslims."
Ben
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.
The blonde girl thinks: Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.
Obama thinks: Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
George Bush thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.
A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church Services,
when she was startled by an intruder.
She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'
(Repent and be Baptized,
in the name of Jesus Christ,
so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks.
The woman calmly called the police
and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to
take him in, he asked the burglar:
'Why did you just stand there?
All the old lady did was yell a
scripture to you.'
'Scripture?' replied the burglar.
'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'
Send this to someone who needs
a laugh today and remember:
Knowing Scripture can save your
life in more ways than one!
Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in
South Carolina, asked the audience for total quiet.
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every
few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my
hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'
Then, little Darrell, with a proud South Carolina drawl, pierced the
quiet and said: "Well, dumb *, stop clapping!"
about 15 minutes with one of the new doctors, she went
screaming down the hall. Another doctor stopped and asked
her what the problem was and she explained.
The second doctor went back to the first and said, "What's
the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old. She has
four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told
her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor simply smiled and said,
"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
Later in the day a group of women visit and they are enamoured with the bird. All evening each woman walks over to the bird. picks up a treat, holds it in front of the bird and says in a falsetto voice "Polly want a cracker?". the bird says to himsself- first of all, my name isn't Polly". By the end of the evening the bird is sick and tired of falsetto voiced women, crackers, and being called Polly; but finally all the parishoners leave and the pastor puts a cover on the birds home and the parrot goes to sleep, hoping that the next day will bring parishoners that are more civilized in their treatment of him.
But to his surprise, as the pastor pulls the cover from the birdcage the first words out of his mouth are a squeakie "Polly want a cracker?" this is more than the bird can take and he loses his temper, calling out in a loud voice to the pastor "Oh just blow it out your ear!!"
The pastor is stunned, but recovers quickly and grabs the parrot, marches over to the freezer, pitches the vird in and slams the door. After about ten minutes, he opens the freezer door and takes the shivering bird out. He holds the bird up and asks him if he learned his lesson regarding language like that. The bird responds that he did.
The pastor then asks the parrot if he has any questions. The parrot says he has just one:"WHAT DID THE TURKEY SAY?"
NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN ARKANSAS
Two hillbillies walk into a DairyQueen. While having a
couple of DQ Blizzards, they talk privately about their moonshine
operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table,eating a chicken
sandwich, begins to cough.
After a while, it becomes apparent that she is in real
distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya
swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, eyes
widen and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts up the
back of her dress, yanks down her panties and quickly gives her
right butt cheek a long lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and
the obstruction flies out of her mouth. She begins to
breathe again, the hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table.
His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind
Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it.
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful. What does he do for a living?"
''He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money." the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada . He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno ."
He has chosen Attorney General Eric Holder as his running mate.
Get your Weiner-Holder bumper stickers early, before they are all gone.
Classes.
They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings.
The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion
of the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an
example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks
him dead, that would be a tragedy." "No," says the Great Jesse Jackson,"
that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we
would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children
volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can
give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet
voice he says: "If a jet carrying the Rev.& Mrs. Jackson were struck by a
missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!"
exclaims Jackson, That's right. And can you tell me why that would be
tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it
probably wouldn't be an accident either."
Guncontrol-The ability to hit what your aiming at.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting on the Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Clotile staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Boudreaux?" Boudreaux said, "Mon cher, why you say such a mean ting?"
"Well," Clotile said," it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes,but mostly......it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.
happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect. He never
heard the shot....
Certified SIG pistol armorer/FFL Dealer/Full time Peace Officer, Moderator of the General Discussion Board on Gunbroker. Visit www.gunbroker.com, the premier gun auction site on the Net! Email davidnunn@texoma.net Jesus is Lord!
Green Bay Packers
After the Packers/Bills game, Buffalo released quarterback Trent Edwards.
During the Packers/Eagles game, the Packers injured Philadelphia quarterback Kevin Kolb.
Philadelphia then had to play backup quarterback Michael Vick.
During a playoff game against the Eagles, the Packers injured Michael Vick and another backup was needed.
After the Packers/Cowboys game, Dallas fired Wade Phillips.
After the Packers/Vikings game, Minnesota fired Brad Childress.
Four weeks after losing to the Packers, the 49er's coach Mike Singletary was fired and replaced.
During the Bears Playoff game, the Packers injured Jay Cutler and backup Todd Collins forcing the Bears to go with 3rd string quarterback Caleb Hanie.
Is it just me.... or did the Packers create more jobs than Obama last year?
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, Honey?"
"Mommy, where's my booger[:0][:0]
of El Indio , Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed
straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really
wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe
blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a
double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's *?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said,
"No sir...... but... I've always wanted to."
whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player
Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.
"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4 driver and
a Lieutenant Commander in Naval Air, but when they retired the
Phantom, all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashiered me as well. I
learned to play the piano at O-Club happy hours, so here I am."
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it
had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business
was falling off. So, why not give him a try?
The seedy LtCdr staggered his way over to the piano while
several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of
music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of
soaring music, unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished
there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the
name of the song he had just played.
It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall
For You!" said the Commander. After a long pull from the beer, leaving
it empty, "I wrote it myself."
The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano
player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime
that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter
pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and
told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."
He then excused himself and lurched to the john.
When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Look fly boy,
the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is
hanging out?"
"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!".
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.
Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time. The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
[xx(]
'Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because they didn't smell and are silent.'
The doctor says, 'I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.'
The next week Peter goes back. 'Doctor,' he says, 'I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my gas, although still silent, stink terribly.'
'Good,' the doctor said. 'Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.'[^][:0]
when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
" My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the
wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees
the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off,
"I'm trying to poop!"
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and
goes over to the counter.
A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She
says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and
reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't
believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's
on sale t his week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of
it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her
credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is
really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk
could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she
was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the
rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies," Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call
is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the
latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is
sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care
of it.
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the
aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors
and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes
even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic
about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job
deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, 'Son, your
attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to
personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished.'
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands
tall and says, 'Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman
in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11
months without any leave, and reindeers' * are beginning to look pretty
good to me. I have one stripe; its 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is
40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump poop out of an aircraft.
Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?'
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad
> >bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried
> >about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
> >The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
> >
> >The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes
I
> >have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
> >
> >"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
> >
> >"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
> >
> >"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her
> >knees and blows it right back up."
.
Dustin K. Griffin
"What is tomorrow?" He said "It's President's Day"
She asked "What does that mean?" .... I was waiting for something profound...
He said "President's Day is when Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow,
we have 2 more years of unemployment and stupidity."
I almost snorted my iced tea.
> >Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at
> >the
> >table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue
> >playing standing up.
> >
> >Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to
tell
> >Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
> >
> >They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to
be
> >discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
> >
> >"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion
> >is
> >me middle name. Leave it to me."
> >
> >Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
Murphy
> >answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just
lost
> >$500 and is afraid to come home."
> >
> >"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.
> >
> >"I'll go tell him," says Gallagher
[:D]
Ben
"Why does your shirt have snaps instead of buttons?" The cowboy replied "If we get up in the brush, and the limbs catch our clothes, the snaps will come unsnapped, whereas if we had buttons, the brush would tear the buttons off."
"I undertand, but why are all you guys wearing tennis shoes instead of cowboy boots?" asked the dude. "Oh," replied the cowboy, "that's so no one will mistake us for a truck driver."
Barack looked at Hillary, Chuckled and said, "You know I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."
John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills
out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his
copilot, "Such big-shots back there, I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."
I'm voting for the Pilot
The next night their husbands were hanging out and one of them said to the other, "I think I may need to watch my wife a little better. She came home last night without any panties." The other said, "Yeah, me too. My wife came home with a card stuck to her butt that said "Thanks for all the good times. We are going to miss you. Love, The Entire Fire Department."
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a brand new Ferrari.
The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer
agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the South for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.
The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from University Alabama, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
His name was BUBBA.... Keep an eye on those southern boys!
Just because we talk funny does not mean we are stupid.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
>If you have children you will probably relate to this father. As ham
>sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce
>and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw
>aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up
>with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Hold Johnny
>(our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said. I had him balanced
>between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich
>when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no
>napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down
>faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue
>protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys
>do, only I did it on my tongue. Later (after she stopped crying from laughing
>so hard) my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard "Poupon.'"
>When you stop laughing, pass it on.
SSgt Ryan E. Roberts, USMC
A couple days later, at the funnerl the preist noticed some thing odd. All the women who went to talk to the old man would say a few words and the old man would nod his head, every one no exception. When the men went to talk yo him he would shack his no, every man there.
Well the preast got to wondering what was going on,so he just up and asked the old man. "Well all the women said how good my wife looked and how nice she was dressed."
scrool down
"And all the men wanted to know if the mule was for sale."