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Things to Ponder...

retroxler58retroxler58 Member Posts: 32,693 ✭✭✭
edited April 2013 in General Discussion
PONDER'ISMS (something to think about)1- I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2- There are two kinds of pedestrians ... The quick and the dead.

3- Life is sexually transmitted.

4- Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

5- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

6- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7- Have you noticed since everyone has a cell phone these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

8- Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9- All of us could take a lesson from the weather... It pays no attention to criticism.

10- In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
space
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

11- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

12- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say...
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'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out'?
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And... Then... How about eggs ? [B)]

13- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

14- Why does the OB-GYN leave the room when women get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

16- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, olive oil from olives...
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Then WTH is baby oil made from?

17- Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

18- Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
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Why do we always do it then... ??

19- Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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Yet stick to your fingers, the table, the part that's NOT to be glued, the...

20- Do you ever wonder why we are all members of this forum...?Just a few things to think 'bout... [;)]

Have a GREAT DAY!!! [^]

Comments

  • Queen of SwordsQueen of Swords Member Posts: 14,355
    edited November -1
    Yeah, what's up with #11?[:(!][:D]
  • gesshotsgesshots Member Posts: 15,678 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    If con is the opposite of pro......... is Congress the opposite of progress?

    [;)][:D]
    It's being willing. I found out early that most men, regardless of cause or need, aren't willing. They blink an eye or draw a breath before they pull the trigger. I won't. ~ J.B. Books
  • guntech59guntech59 Member Posts: 23,188 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    quote:Originally posted by gesshots
    If con is the opposite of pro......... is Congress the opposite of progress?

    [;)][:D]


    Evidently.
  • Queen of SwordsQueen of Swords Member Posts: 14,355
    edited November -1
    What I want to know is why is it that when you receive a call and the caller hangs up before you answer, and you call them back immediately, they don't answer?

    What did they do, drop the phone and run away?
  • retroxler58retroxler58 Member Posts: 32,693 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    A few more... Ponder'isms....21- Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

    22- Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

    23- Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

    24- Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

    25- Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

    27- If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor...
    space
    ... and why do bars have parking lots?

    28- Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

    29- Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

    30- How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

    31- If a store is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

    32- If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

    33- If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?

    34- If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

    35- If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

    36- Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

    37- Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

    38- Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards as it is forwards?

    39- Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment,
    space
    but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

    40- If a black box in a plane is indestructible, why can't they make the whole plane out of it?Just a few more things to think about...

    Enjoy your day!!! [:D]
  • rongrong Member Posts: 8,459
    edited November -1
    1- I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.[:)][:)]
  • BGHillbillyBGHillbilly Member Posts: 1,927 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    quote:Originally posted by gesshots
    If con is the opposite of pro......... is Congress the opposite of progress?

    [;)][:D]


    Constitution.....Prostitution
  • rigbysbudrigbysbud Member Posts: 150 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    The answer to #16 is soylent green.
  • MIKE WISKEYMIKE WISKEY Member Posts: 10,042 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    "Life is sexually transmitted.'............and 100% fatal
  • montanajoemontanajoe Forums Admins, Member, Moderator Posts: 60,159 ******
    edited November -1
    [;)][:D][:D][^]
  • pietro75pietro75 Member Posts: 7,048
    edited November -1
    [:D] This is a good one! My wife doesn't think we are as funny as we think!
  • retroxler58retroxler58 Member Posts: 32,693 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    quote:Originally posted by pietro75
    [:D] This is a good one! My wife doesn't think we are as funny as we think!
    At least my wife is correct... We're angry ol'farts that jus'like to have fun. [:D]
  • Queen of SwordsQueen of Swords Member Posts: 14,355
    edited November -1
    When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
  • gesshotsgesshots Member Posts: 15,678 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    EVER WONDER ....

    Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?

    Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

    Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

    Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

    Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

    [;)][:D]
    It's being willing. I found out early that most men, regardless of cause or need, aren't willing. They blink an eye or draw a breath before they pull the trigger. I won't. ~ J.B. Books
  • Queen of SwordsQueen of Swords Member Posts: 14,355
    edited November -1
    If "practice makes perfect," and "there is no such thing as perfect," why bother practicing?
  • retroxler58retroxler58 Member Posts: 32,693 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    A few more... Ponder'isms...41- Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

    42- Why is it so hard to remember how to spell 'mnemonic'?

    43- If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

    44- Why was it called a TV "set" when you only got one?

    45- Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

    46- Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?

    47- Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

    48- Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

    49- Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

    50- Why call it a building if it's already been built?

    51- Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

    52- How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

    53- Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

    54- Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?

    55- If the front of your car says 'DODGE', do you really need a horn?

    56- What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?

    57- When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

    58- Does fuzzy logic tickle?

    59- Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

    60- Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?Now... Make it a better day... Today!!! [^]
  • ncross53ncross53 Member Posts: 186 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    quote:Originally posted by retroxler58



    34- If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?





    Had to think about that one a minute!
  • Cornflk1Cornflk1 Member Posts: 3,715 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    You guys are killin me[:)][:D][^][8D]
  • retroxler58retroxler58 Member Posts: 32,693 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    quote:Originally posted by Cornflk1
    You guys are killin me[:)][:D][^][8D]
    Jus'tryin' to make it a... BETTER DAY! [;)]
  • retroxler58retroxler58 Member Posts: 32,693 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    More Ponder'sims... ?61- How come wrong numbers are never busy?

    62- Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

    63- Why call it "take" a dump, when you leave something behind?

    64- What was the best thing before sliced bread?

    65- Why do we call it a hot water heater if the water is already hot?

    66- If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

    67- If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

    68- How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

    69- If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

    70- Is there another word for thesaurus?

    71- Is the color orange called that because it's the color of the fruit of the same name,
    space
    or was the fruit called orange because that's its color?
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    And... Jus'Which came first, the color or the fruit?

    72- After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

    73- How can there be self-help "groups"?

    74- If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

    75- If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

    76- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

    77- Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

    78- Is there another word for synonym?

    79- Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

    80- Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?Make it a... Wondrous... Happy Easter DAY!!! [^]
  • SpartacusSpartacus Member Posts: 14,415
    edited November -1
    quote: Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?


    i was waiting for that one.......[:D]


    tom
  • retroxler58retroxler58 Member Posts: 32,693 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    quote:Originally posted by Spartacus
    quote: Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?


    i was waiting for that one.......[:D]


    tom
    You know it had to be sooner or later... [;)]
  • roswellnativeroswellnative Member Posts: 10,188 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    How does a thermos know when to keep things hot and when to keep things cold???
    Although always described as a cowboy, Roswellnative generally acts as a righter of wrongs or bodyguard of some sort, where he excels thanks to his resourcefulness and incredible gun prowesses.
  • kimikimi Member Posts: 44,719 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Number 13 is really good! [:D][:D][:D]
    What's next?
  • retroxler58retroxler58 Member Posts: 32,693 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    I hope everyone had a Great Easter Sunday!!!

    More Ponder'sims to consider...81- It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

    82- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

    83- Why is a pear called a pear when there is only one?

    84- What do they pack Styrofoam in?

    85- Why did God give men nipples?

    86- Is grass really greener on the other side?

    87- Do boxer shorts box?

    88- Why do women wear a pair of panties and only one bra?

    89- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

    90- Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

    91- Why is it called a "near miss" when you don't hit something?

    92- When sign makers go on strike, is there anything written on their signs?

    93- Before the light bulb was invented, what appeared over peoples heads when they had an idea?

    94- If you spin an Oriental person around and around, does he become disorientated?

    95- If a vegetable goes into a coma, is it called a person?

    96- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

    97- Why does the word monosyllabic contain five syllables?

    98- If you wear an antennae to a wedding, would the reception be better?

    99- Why is abbreviated such a long word?

    100- If you put a chameleon in a mirrored box what color would it change to?Have a great week... [;)]
    I plan to! [^]
  • pietro75pietro75 Member Posts: 7,048
    edited November -1
    I had to copy and paste to share with some friends and relatives. Again, Trista is not fascinated...oh well!
  • Mr. PerfectMr. Perfect Member, Moderator Posts: 66,404 ******
    edited November -1
    Have you ever walked into a public restroom and thought wow, the exhaust fan is just too powerful?
    Some will die in hot pursuit
    And fiery auto crashes
    Some will die in hot pursuit
    While sifting through my ashes
    Some will fall in love with life
    And drink it from a fountain
    That is pouring like an avalanche
    Coming down the mountain
  • retroxler58retroxler58 Member Posts: 32,693 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    quote:Originally posted by pietro75
    I had to copy and paste to share with some friends and relatives. Again, Trista is not fascinated...oh well!
    To each their own... [;)]

    My wife thinks MUCH of what I believe to be funny... Simply stoopid. Oh well...
  • retroxler58retroxler58 Member Posts: 32,693 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    And a few more Poner'isms...101- Why do people point to their wrist when they want to know the time?
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    Do you or I point to our crotch when we want to know where the bathroom is?

    102- Why is there an 's' in lisp?

    103- If you were scared half to death twice, would you be 3/4 dead or 100% dead?

    104- If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

    105- If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?

    106- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest end up drowning as well?

    107- What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

    108- If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

    109- If you asked a librarian where the books on self help were would they tell you, or would that defeat the purpose?

    110- If ATM stands for Automatic Teller Machine, why do we call it an ATM machine?
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    And if PIN stands for Personal Identification Number, why do we call it a PIN number?I hope y'all have enjoyed a few of the many things to Ponder... [;)]
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