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A WWII era poem found with my FIL's stuff

Bubba Jr.Bubba Jr. Member Posts: 8,303 ✭✭✭✭
in General Discussion

Advice To The Confined


While recovering from my operation

I was terribly annoyed,

For the toilet was denied me

And the bed pan was employed.


I much preferred the bath room

But the nurse just shook her head,

And said “you're much too weak I think

For getting out of bed.


My experience with the bed pan

To this day makes me quail,

And I have been prevailed upon

To tell this harrowing tale.


In the small hours of the morning

Before the break of day,

Came a warning that I could not

Ignore, not yet delay.


The nurse brought me the bed pan,

slipped it under my back side,

While chills ran up and down my spine.

As the cold thing touched my hide.


I tipped back on my shoulders

Soon my legs were stiff and numb,

The odds were against me

I'd die before it would come!


In this up and down position

The leverage wasn't there,

But with tremendous effort

I did break a little air.


When at last I got results

I grew faint with dread,

I wondered if I'd hit the pan

Or was it in the bed?


While my heart was weakly fluttering

I felt with cautious care

With a sigh of satisfaction

I discovered nothing there.


But my troubles were not over,

As I was soon to find

For how was I to manage

to wipe the place behind?


The muscles in my back bulged out

as I stood on my head

And made a few wild passes

and nose-dived out of bed.


With patience I continued

Oblivious to my pain,

For modesty prevented me

From leaving any stain.


I had no more than finished

This Herculean feat

When I became aware of something

Sticky on my sheet.


Cold sweat beaded my brow

As I slowly raised my gown,

And there upon the snow-white sheet

was a hideous spot of brown!


So the laws of gravitation

Have proven – sure as fate

That you can't stand upon your head

When you evacuate!


Sick people often grow worse,

And I know the reason why -

The bed pan is the wheel on which

They're tortured til they die.


There is a future for some genius

To invent some kind of diaper,

or back adjusting thunder-mug

With an automatic wiper!


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