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funny

7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
edited January 2002 in General Discussion
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Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
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  • 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks, "Do you know her?"

    "Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drink right
    after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

    "My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on
    celebrating that long?" [;)][;)]
  • 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell.
    The party waiting behind her was a group from the White House that included Obama.
    Obama quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.
    She thanked him and started to leave, when he said, "I'm President Obama and I hope you'll vote for me this November."
    She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my *, not my head!"
  • 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    check out number 24. [:D]

    I just now got that i forgot the link. Wow. [V]


    http://www.ebaumsworld.com/pictures/view/82906469/
  • 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    watch it all the way it get very funny about halfway
    sorry if this has been posted before
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1WpD7i4RxnY&mode=related&search=
  • 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Washington Times 5/6/04
    Reaching people
    Actress Drew Barrymore is filming a documentary aimed at persuading young people to vote. She recently happened upon members of the D.C. chapter of FreeRepublic.com, the conservative grass-roots network, as they conducted a Washington protest.
    "Can I ask you guys a question?" Miss Barrymore said. "You come out and you protest. Do you feel that it makes a difference? Do you feel that you reach people?"
    Group leader Kristinn Taylor answered: "We used to do this down at the White House every Saturday for a couple years when Bill Clinton was there. It goes like this" - and here Mr. Taylor turned to his fellow Freepers, to have them join in the chant. "You guys ready? One, two, three: 'Bill Clinton, we have you surrounded! Drop the cigar, step away from the intern, and come out with your pants up.' "
    "Wow," said the actress.
    "The first time we did that," Mr. Taylor said, "the Secret Service officer who was working the gate started laughing so hard he doubled over and walked behind the guard shack to compose himself."
  • 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    WHY
    MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


    Men
    Are Just Happier People--







    Your
    last name stays put.



    The
    garage is all yours.



    Wedding
    plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another
    snack.



    You
    can never be pregnant.



    Car
    mechanics tell you the truth.



    The
    world is your urinal.



    You
    never have to drive to another petrol station
    restroom because this one is just too icky.



    You
    don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut
    on a bolt.



    Same
    work, more pay.



    Wrinkles
    add character.



    People
    never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.



    New
    shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.



    One
    mood all the time.

    Phone
    conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.



    You
    know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation
    requires only one suitcase.



    You
    can open all your own jars.



    You
    get extra credit for the slightest act of
    thoughtfulness.





    Your
    underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of
    shoes are more than enough. You never have strap
    problems in public.



    You
    are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.



    Everything
    on your face stays its original colour.



    The
    same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.



    You
    only have to shave your face and neck if at all.


    You
    can play with toys all your life.



    One
    wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all
    seasons.



    You
    can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.



    You
    can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. (personal favorite)



    You
    have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.


    You
    can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December
    24 in 25 minutes.

    No
    wonder men are happier.


    Send
    this to the women who can handle it
    and
    to the men who will enjoy reading it
  • 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
  • 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    The Female Genie

    While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a beautiful
    old bottle in the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a beautiful female
    genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?" "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything!" barked Bin Laden.
    The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be
    returned to that bottle forever." Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you !"
    The annoyed genie said, "So be it !" and disappeared. The next morning, Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His * was gone, his knee was broken, and he had! no health insurance.

    God is good.


    When Clinton left office they gave him a 21 gun salute. Its a damn shame they all missed....
  • 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    I'll bet many of you have already seen this, but I think it's worth revisiting:

    http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/
  • 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
  • 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
  • 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Hello, is this the Police?"
    "Yes. What do you want?"
    "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
    "Thank y...ou very much for the call, sir."
    The next day, the Police descend on Billy's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left
    The phone rings at Billy's house: "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the Police come?"
    "Yeah!"
    "Did they chop your firewood?"
    "Yep."
    "Merry Christmas, Buddy"
  • 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    i watched this 3 times and i still laughed

    http://www.wimp.com./doorprank/
  • 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
  • 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
  • 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    The pharmacist found a customer leaning against a wall inside his shop. He asks his newly-hired clerk why the man is leaning against the wall. Clerk: He wanted some cough medicine but since I couldn't find any, I gave him laxatives instead. Pharmacist: Laxatives don't help against coughs! Sure it does see he wont dare to cough! [:0]
  • 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Why Rednecks Make Good Soldiers
    Dear Ma & Pa:
    Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt & Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
    I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they * warm water.
    Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food. But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
    We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.
    The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors & Colonels just ride around & frown. They don't bother you none.
    This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
    Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get into this setup & come stampeding in.


    Your loving daughter, Gail

    P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof & ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.
  • 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1

    when all else fails........................
  • 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.

    Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.'

    The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'

    Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in New York , so I'd like to hear the song, The Moon and Me, one last time.'

    The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song. Gibson was satisfied.

    Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.'

    The leader directed an aide to hand over a tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments. He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'

    The leader turned and asked, 'And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?

    'Kick me in the *,' said the Marine.

    'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'

    'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the *,' insisted the Marine.

    So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the *.

    The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead.

    In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took from another, sprayed the rest of the terrorists, killing another 11.

    In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

    As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson, and Williams, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the *?'

    'What?' replied the Marine, 'and have you three jerks report that I was the aggressor....?'

    Semper Fi!
  • 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    This woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???" The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite." The woman says, "A hermaphrodite...what's that???" The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er...features...of a male and a female." The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my God! You mean it hasa *...AND a brain?"
    when all else fails........................
  • 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    A father was walking past his five yr old daughter who was home sick from school and thought it would be funny to play the old "daddy's gonna eat your fingers bit with her. He took her hand and inserted it into his mouth. His daughter giggled histerically and the father was elated to hear his child laugh so enthusiastically. As the father began to walk away the little girl asked,

    "Daddy, wheres my booger"?

    When Clinton left office they gave him a 21 gun salute. Its a damn shame they all missed....
  • 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    quote:I would challenge you to try to find a post where I blatantly call anyone a name. I know you are just using me as an example, but I don't think you could find one

    that is funny
  • 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    I am a senior citizen.

    During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job.

    I took numerous vacations and had vacation homes.

    Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse.

    I lost my job.

    I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.

    I lost my homes.

    I lost my health insurance.

    As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless.

    Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.

    I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to ensure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year.

    Bush has to go.

    Sincerely,

    Saddam Hussein
  • 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
  • 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    A sweet old lady is asked to say Grace at a gathering of her seniors home and she brought down the houseconds into her prayer. Enjoy!

    http://stg.do/9i0c
  • 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    The topic on the Feral Cat reminded me. I drove a different way around town yesterday.

    Was looking for a place to eat, when what do I notice a Chinese place I had not seen before. With a dog grooming place right next door.


    That's one place I would not take a dog to be groomed.
  • 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Call the Nestle Crunch Hotline at 1-800-295-0051, when you are asked if you want to continue in English or Spanish, just wait quietly for about 10 seconds and you will smile. Promise! Keep going and press 4. Listen to the options...then press 7. If it is busy it is worth it to redial a few times--enjoy
  • 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
  • 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
  • 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
  • 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    From another freind on Facebook.


    421501_10151038066277868_2106484_n.jpg
  • 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a preacher, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him into his study and said: "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."

    After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said: "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."

    The young man waited a moment and then replied:" You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

    The preacher said: "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went."



    Love them Beavers
    orst-title-1.gif

    SUPPORT THE I.N.S. , THE COUNTRY THEY SAVE COULD BE YOUR OWN
  • 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
  • 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
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