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-- A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles
are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell
is....
Scroll down.......
Get ready.....
Are you sure you're ready?
You may never forgive me for this one...
MOLASSES[:D]
Love them Beavers
SUPPORT THE I.N.S. , THE COUNTRY THEY SAVE COULD BE YOUR OWN
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West
Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,........
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
Somewhere in the deep south, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigartte companies for causing people to get cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, that's true" answered the lawyer.
"And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries--is that true, mister lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba, but why do you ask?"
"Cause I was thinkin'-maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've been wakin' up with."
Love them Beavers
SUPPORT THE I.N.S. , THE COUNTRY THEY SAVE COULD BE YOUR OWN
this may be old but its still funny
(This is what is called tenacity.)
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.
This is so priceless, and is so easy to see happening,
customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her
for February and March for their annual service
charges on her credit card and added late fees and
interest on the monthly charge.
The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late
fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds
division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
(I really liked this part!!!!)
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling
you - the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply."
(This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death.
I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great!
If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery ,
Highway 129, Plot Number 69." ;
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?
I had dinner with my brother-in-law's dad the other night. He's a local judge up in n'western NJ.
That evening he'd been in court and a farmer was before him, brought up on a .08 DUI charge. .08 is the cut-off, and the farmer's contention was that he wasn't really impaired, wasn't drunk. The farmer was a massive fellow, just huge, and his point was that he was such a big guy he wasn't intoxicated by how little he'd had to drink.
"Well," the judge asked, "how much did you have to drink?"
"Two drinks," the farmer replied. (And my brother-in-law's dad told me that this is the 100% standard answer. EVERYBODY has only had two drinks. Somebody could be found passed out in the middle of the freeway, 30 beer cans scattered around him, and a blood test would show that he should probably be dead from alcohol poisoning, and in court he'll say, "Two drinks.")
"And how big were each of these drinks?" the judge asked.
The farmer holds up a hand as big as a peach basket and says, "Four fingers. Neat."
Six months without a license, $500 fine, and mandatory alcohol classes.
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He had been a minister and was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of cents.'
'I see.'
'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl.'
'That night,' she went on, 'I went again,
Plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were dollars !
You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored,
'I'm scared out of my wits!'
The gynaecologist put a comforting
Hand on her shoulder.
'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.
.
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'You're simply going through the change![:D]
A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a
voice call from behind a sand dune: "One Marine is better than ten Isis
fighters".
The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun
battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice once again calls out: "One Marine is better than one hundred Isis 'S.O.B.'s'".
Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and
instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again
silence.
The voice calls out again: "One Marine is better than a thousand Isis
fighters." The enraged Isis commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to
the other side of the dune. Instantly Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and
cannon fire ring out as a terrible fight is fought ... then silence.
Eventually, one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with
his dying words tells his commander.
"Don't send any more men ... it's a trap, there's two of them!"
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, Smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
Dam Permit:
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing! all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division
THIS IS THE ACTUAL RESPONSE SENT BACK:
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 10/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of nature's building materials "debris". I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is -- aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring! Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do t! o live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers will be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality health problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
Ryan DeVries
My Black male Lab tried eating a toad tonight. He came to the back door acting like a wild horse. I let him into the house, but noticed the toad sitting on the patio.My Lab was foaming at the mouth like a dropped beer.[:D]I bet he remembers not to mess with toads.
I know this is an old one, but it still makes me crack up every time I see it. It's worth running again...
A Marine's date...
I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before,
the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for
dinner. After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I
finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.
I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations
that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I
made:
I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out
three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight
packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated
rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sauteed in shaved
garlic and olive oil.
In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice
together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I
added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that
I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.
When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and
a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese
(kinda like velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from one of
my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it, it looks
fancy right?)
For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five
packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated
it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous
organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voila--Ranger
Pudding.
For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special
Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"--it
sells for $4.35 per fifth at the Class Six ) and mixed in four packets
of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says
that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was
the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt).
I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set
the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that
poop is EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600 on sale
at the Lejeune PX ), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine
decanter.
She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE
spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food,
and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"
We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept
asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I
obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked
at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess
she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.
At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed
with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what?
Okay... yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup.
Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my
restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh
oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of
dismay.
Let the games begin.
She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each,
Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes smellgood) and
returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.
After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the
bathroom for the second time I could hear her say "What the hell is
WRONG with me???," as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the
porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet
paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.
Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the
chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her
chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a
word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and
didn't come out for 30 minutes.
I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so
hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.
She came out with a slightly gray palor to her face, and said "I am
SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed,
I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an
Immodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.
Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she
had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed
her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.
After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of
"Marine Corps Field Rations" she turned stark white, looked at me
incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories or dehydrated food that was
made 3 years ago?" After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and
took off without a word.
She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't poo for 5 days, and when
she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from
down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to
combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook
dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food
beforehand.
It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that that
was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd
been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been
in tears on the couch.
I know, I'm an jerk, but it was still a funny night.
A man had 50 yard tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says, The seat is empty." "This is incredible," says the man. "Who in thier right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggestsportting event in the world, and not use it?"He says, "Well actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed awqy. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1987." "Oh ...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral"
Comments
"My faith, my country and my family will guide me; nothing more, nothing less" -Gen. Tommy Franks
-- A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles
are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell
is....
Scroll down.......
Get ready.....
Are you sure you're ready?
You may never forgive me for this one...
MOLASSES[:D]
Love them Beavers
SUPPORT THE I.N.S. , THE COUNTRY THEY SAVE COULD BE YOUR OWN
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West
Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,........
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
Somewhere in the deep south, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigartte companies for causing people to get cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, that's true" answered the lawyer.
"And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries--is that true, mister lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba, but why do you ask?"
"Cause I was thinkin'-maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've been wakin' up with."
Love them Beavers
SUPPORT THE I.N.S. , THE COUNTRY THEY SAVE COULD BE YOUR OWN
(This is what is called tenacity.)
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.
This is so priceless, and is so easy to see happening,
customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her
for February and March for their annual service
charges on her credit card and added late fees and
interest on the monthly charge.
The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late
fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds
division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
(I really liked this part!!!!)
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling
you - the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply."
(This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death.
I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great!
If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery ,
Highway 129, Plot Number 69." ;
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?
That evening he'd been in court and a farmer was before him, brought up on a .08 DUI charge. .08 is the cut-off, and the farmer's contention was that he wasn't really impaired, wasn't drunk. The farmer was a massive fellow, just huge, and his point was that he was such a big guy he wasn't intoxicated by how little he'd had to drink.
"Well," the judge asked, "how much did you have to drink?"
"Two drinks," the farmer replied. (And my brother-in-law's dad told me that this is the 100% standard answer. EVERYBODY has only had two drinks. Somebody could be found passed out in the middle of the freeway, 30 beer cans scattered around him, and a blood test would show that he should probably be dead from alcohol poisoning, and in court he'll say, "Two drinks.")
"And how big were each of these drinks?" the judge asked.
The farmer holds up a hand as big as a peach basket and says, "Four fingers. Neat."
Six months without a license, $500 fine, and mandatory alcohol classes.
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He had been a minister and was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
Seemed sheepish as she
Visited her gynaecologist.
'Come now,' coaxed the doctor,
'you've been seeing me for years!
There's nothing you can't tell me.'
'This one's kind of strange...'
'Let me be the judge of that,'
The doctor replied.
'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of cents.'
'I see.'
'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl.'
'That night,' she went on, 'I went again,
Plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were dollars !
You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored,
'I'm scared out of my wits!'
The gynaecologist put a comforting
Hand on her shoulder.
'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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'You're simply going through the change![:D]
IT IS PRUDENT FOR SECURITY REASONS
TO HAVE A MUSLIM NAME.
SO...........FROM NOW ON,
PLEASE CALL ME BY MY NEW MUSLIM NAME:
SELDOM BIN LAYED
Larry
voice call from behind a sand dune: "One Marine is better than ten Isis
fighters".
The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun
battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice once again calls out: "One Marine is better than one hundred Isis 'S.O.B.'s'".
Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and
instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again
silence.
The voice calls out again: "One Marine is better than a thousand Isis
fighters." The enraged Isis commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to
the other side of the dune. Instantly Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and
cannon fire ring out as a terrible fight is fought ... then silence.
Eventually, one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with
his dying words tells his commander.
"Don't send any more men ... it's a trap, there's two of them!"
"The smallest minority on earth is the individual, Those who deny individual rights cannot claim to be defenders of minorities" Ayn Rand.
"We cant be so fixated on our desire to preserve the rights of ordinary Americans" President Bill Clinton USA Today March 11 1993 Pg. 2A
[:D][:D][:D][:D]
If anyone on this forum wants to buy the product, publically stating they need it defeats the point.
Maybe some of you can get it for a "friend"
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, Smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing! all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division
THIS IS THE ACTUAL RESPONSE SENT BACK:
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 10/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of nature's building materials "debris". I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is -- aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring! Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do t! o live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers will be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality health problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
Ryan DeVries
About 21 seconds in. (in case you can't stand the music)
Allen
Information added 11/11/2013 3:31:43 PM]
I now accept Pay Pal + 3.5 % for payment.
[Information added 6/14/2014 10:06:03 AM]
As of NOW, I no longer accept Pay Pal as they are SCUMBAGS.
I guess paypal schooled him.
The brunette came in first, with the redhead a close second.
Much later, the blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked,
"I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."
Larry
http://www.toilette-humor.com/valentines/valentine_foogies.html
A Marine's date...
I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before,
the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for
dinner. After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I
finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.
I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations
that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I
made:
I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out
three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight
packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated
rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sauteed in shaved
garlic and olive oil.
In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice
together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I
added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that
I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.
When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and
a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese
(kinda like velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from one of
my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it, it looks
fancy right?)
For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five
packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated
it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous
organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voila--Ranger
Pudding.
For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special
Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"--it
sells for $4.35 per fifth at the Class Six ) and mixed in four packets
of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says
that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was
the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt).
I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set
the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that
poop is EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600 on sale
at the Lejeune PX ), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine
decanter.
She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE
spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food,
and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"
We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept
asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I
obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked
at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess
she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.
At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed
with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what?
Okay... yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup.
Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my
restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh
oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of
dismay.
Let the games begin.
She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each,
Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes smellgood) and
returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.
After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the
bathroom for the second time I could hear her say "What the hell is
WRONG with me???," as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the
porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet
paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.
Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the
chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her
chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a
word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and
didn't come out for 30 minutes.
I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so
hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.
She came out with a slightly gray palor to her face, and said "I am
SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed,
I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an
Immodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.
Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she
had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed
her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.
After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of
"Marine Corps Field Rations" she turned stark white, looked at me
incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories or dehydrated food that was
made 3 years ago?" After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and
took off without a word.
She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't poo for 5 days, and when
she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from
down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to
combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook
dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food
beforehand.
It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that that
was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd
been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been
in tears on the couch.
I know, I'm an jerk, but it was still a funny night.
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. [:D]