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Wanted: Polite Insults...

RembrandtRembrandt Member Posts: 4,486 ✭✭
edited June 2003 in General Discussion
There's a lot of witty people here that may be able to help....I'm looking for some clever but polite insults for an obnoxious co-worker. Prefer one liners that wouldn't be considered "character asassination"....
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    dheffleydheffley Member Posts: 25,000 ✭
    edited November -1
    "You don't sweat much for a fat person, do you?"

    Measure twice, cut once.
    calipers_open_close_md_wht.gif
    Empty the clip!
    smoking_gun_md_wht.gif
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    RembrandtRembrandt Member Posts: 4,486 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    ...dheffley, that's good....just what I had in mind....any more?
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    agloreaglore Member Posts: 6,012
    edited November -1
    Your so ugly you have to sneak up on a glass of water.[:)]

    AlleninAlaska
    Delta Firearms & Supplies
    http://canadianfirearmsexchange.com

    aglore@gci.net
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    dheffleydheffley Member Posts: 25,000 ✭
    edited November -1
    Well, let's see,

    "I've always admired people who wern't so vain that they had to look perfect just to come to work."

    or

    "I find that smell very interesting. I'm glad you're honest enough not to try to hide it."

    or

    "It takes a dedicated worker to come on to work in your condition."

    Measure twice, cut once.
    calipers_open_close_md_wht.gif
    Empty the clip!
    smoking_gun_md_wht.gif
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    Jody CommanderJody Commander Member Posts: 855 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    "Did your parents have any children that lived?"

    "I have a brother in law that is obese.......where do you buy YOUR clothes?"

    "Are your parents obese too?"

    "What is that material? if it's polyester I have some stuff at home that will get those stains and that smell out,"

    "Do you own a horse? I reckognize that smell,"

    "Thats a nice sweater/coat/vest, try some wadded scotch tape to get those flakes off the shoulders"
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    LowriderLowrider Member Posts: 6,587
    edited November -1
    I'd take you on in a battle of wits, but I wouldn't feel right fighting an unarmed man.

    Lord Lowrider the LoquaciousMember:Secret Select Society of Suave Stylish Smoking Jackets She was only a fisherman's daughter,But when she saw my rod she reeled.
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    n/an/a Member Posts: 168,427 ✭
    edited November -1
    Boy..that says a lot when you need help in thinking up insults....

    Anywho..check out this site...

    http://www.insults.net/html/everyday/index.html

    Cute_skunk.gif

    Lil' Stinker's Opinion
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    FrancFFrancF Member Posts: 35,278 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    What cheese would you recomend with that whine?

    Rembrandt
    If its still in print I would highly recomend the book "Insult and Live" A local surfer and comedian here in Santa Cruz by the name of Fred Rees. He wrote another funny book called "Gidget must die" Remember the TV series Gidget? anyway good read!

    hsas157x100.gif
    gun1.gif

    God Bless our Troops
    Virtutis-Gloria-Merces
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    kissgoodnightkissgoodnight Member Posts: 4,064 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Happy birthday, you don't look 50, but we all remember when you did.

    When you went to school, did you ride on the big bus or the little bus?
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    dustyholdustyhol Member Posts: 282 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    "Hey, I don't come to where you work and throw rocks at you while you are mowing."

    "Practice is the best of all instructors."

    Publilius Syrus
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    RembrandtRembrandt Member Posts: 4,486 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    BR, thinking up insults isn't difficult....clever ones that have a double meaning and make the recipient think a little are much rarer....thanks for the site, saw a few good ones there.

    Keep them coming...
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    wundudneewundudnee Member Posts: 6,101 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    I'll bet you rode to school in the little bus.

    ....................
    Old? First you forget names; then you forget faces; then you forget to pull your zipper up; then you forget to pull your zipper down.
    standard.jpg
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    jetjet Member Posts: 543 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Oh are they spraying manure near your house too
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    jetjet Member Posts: 543 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    There is a special on pbs about skin toning and aging you might like to watch.
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    rpo242rpo242 Member Posts: 570 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    You should be on the stage. The first one outa town.

    You can't miss fast enough.
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    jetjet Member Posts: 543 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    how old is your hair stylest?
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    jetjet Member Posts: 543 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    I really admire your dareing fashion sence,most people would be self contious to wear that with that.
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    jetjet Member Posts: 543 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    I would like to disscuse this topic some more but my " " advised me to spend my time more productivly.
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    DancesWithSheepDancesWithSheep Member Posts: 12,938 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Hey, weren't you the kid who played the banjo in Deliverance?
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    jetjet Member Posts: 543 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Those are nice shoes my grandma used to have some just like them
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    mousemouse Member Posts: 3,624
    edited November -1
    I like this one, it's on a poster hanging in my office at work.

    Be polite to the crocodile until your done crossing the river.
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    Supreme OneSupreme One Member Posts: 1,423 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Hello, "some people have to be paid to be good, you are good for nothing."

    Michael

    Paranoid keeps you alive, worry just gives you stomach problems.

    Politics- From the words poly, meaning many, and tics, which are just little blood suckers.

    If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
    sound
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    jetjet Member Posts: 543 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    You don't beat your wife/kids/dog anymore do you?
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    jetjet Member Posts: 543 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    people brought up under your circumstance comonly belive that
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    F220F220 Member Posts: 37 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    It's not good to work without tools...

    You can't polish a turd...
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    idsman75idsman75 Member Posts: 13,398 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    So what do they charge for Ritalin these days?

    What happened to your face? Do you step on rakes for a hobby?

    Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?

    Don't let you mind wander - it's far too small to be let out on its own?

    I don't mind you talking so much, as long as you don't mind me not listening.

    Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to like you?

    Why don't you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance?

    Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
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    jetjet Member Posts: 543 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    If I knew your guidence counseler I would slap him/her
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    jetjet Member Posts: 543 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    you seem normal to me
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    jetjet Member Posts: 543 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    My great aunt had that same skin condition
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    jetjet Member Posts: 543 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Now I under stand what they've been saying....O nothing
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    AlpineAlpine Member Posts: 15,062 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    You have nice features.

    I had clothes like that, I gave them to Goodwill.

    Elevator not going all the way to the top floor?

    "If you ain't got pictures, I wasn't there."
    ?The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people's money.?
    Margaret Thatcher

    "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics."
    Mark Twain
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    wapo3030wapo3030 Member Posts: 455 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    did you pay MONEY for that haircut?
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    mudgemudge Member Posts: 4,225 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    "Your opinion is always heard, however unsolicited."

    Mudge the insidious

    I can't come to work today. The voices said, STAY HOME AND CLEAN THE GUNS!
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    ATFATF Member Posts: 11,683 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    The oldest one I can remember "That your face or did your pants fall down"?????????????


    [:D][:)][:p][}:)][;)][8D][:o)][:I][B)][^][?]

    ATF
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    axlerfanaxlerfan Member Posts: 713 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    "Hey, did you get a haircut?....You should ask for your money back"
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    oughtsixoughtsix Member Posts: 1,244 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    This is not exactly polite, depending on the target and the circumsrances, but it's funny and devastating:

    "Save your breath, you'll need it later to blow up your date!"
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    JustCJustC Member Posts: 16,056 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Did you get a free bowl of soup with that haircut?

    I had a sweater/shirt/etc just like that,...in the 6TH grade!

    I'll give your suggestion all the consideration it's due[;)]

    Nice haircut,....looks good on YOU.

    why chase the game when the bullet can get em from here?....
    Got Balistics?
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    Instant KarmaInstant Karma Member Posts: 302 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    This is great,I never met a living brain donor before! or When you were born,did they hold you under water to see where the bubbles would come from? or When you are standing alone on the corner,do the police come by and say break it up?
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    BoltactionManBoltactionMan Member Posts: 2,048 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    "You're ugly and your Mom dresses you funny"

    "If I had a dog that looked like you, I'd shave his a** and teach him to walk backwards"

    "The t**d doesn't fall far from the a**hole"

    KC
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    jwhardingjwharding Member Posts: 2,897 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    When you were born did the doctor slap your Mother?
    [:D]

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