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Forgiveness
searcher5
Member Posts: 13,511 ✭
I need to find a way to it. How do you forgive someone who has hurt you deeply? I mean,forgiveness for your own sake, so that you can move on? Not forgetting, but forgiving? I'm not talking to the "kill them all, let God sort them out" crowd, here.
I am sincerely asking, from those of you with experience, how do you go about finding forgiveness in your heart for someone you trusted above all others, and were betrayed by them? I need to do this. For my own sake, but I just can't find the path that leads to it.
This person means little to me anymore. Again,for my own sake, I need to forgive her, and get that negativity out of my life.
The anger seems to always win, though.
I am sincerely asking, from those of you with experience, how do you go about finding forgiveness in your heart for someone you trusted above all others, and were betrayed by them? I need to do this. For my own sake, but I just can't find the path that leads to it.
This person means little to me anymore. Again,for my own sake, I need to forgive her, and get that negativity out of my life.
The anger seems to always win, though.
Comments
If you have wronged someone, ask for forgiveness, and do whatever you can to make amends.
I have heard this advice all my life, but it never hit home until I beat the widowmaker. Life is fragile, and short. Make the most of it.
it sucks that this world is so full of people like that, undeserving of forgiveness, that's what I lament.
don't let it consume you or you will go to the dark side, my answer may sound simple but no matter how it happens the results will be the same
I'm not comfortable with forgiving what is unforgiveable , I simply try to put it in perspective and minumize its effect. It's not easy to forget, and for me it is impossible to forgive.
If your a religious person it seems that even god dosen't forgive some behaviors, and then created hell as the result.
One of the things that helped me was to write the person a letter that you never mail. Write about what they did to you and forgive them for it. This can be very difficult to do, in fact it took me 6 years to write one letter. But by doing it you will free the feelings you have against that person.
Remember, forgiving them doesn't mean that you give them permission to hurt you again, your forgiving the past, not the future.
Maybe that decision is how. You decide to move forward, because to stay where you are gives that person too much power over you. I am not sure if it is forgiveness or not. For me it was deciding that my life was mine, the path forward was mine, and the hurt put on me was either going to define me, or it would not.
30 years later and I cannot honestly say whether I have forgiven or not, but I put away the blinding anger and the heartache that were chewing me up and went on with my life. I cannot change what happened, nor expect an apology or explanation. But I can concentrate on my son, my wife, the rest of my family, the true friends that I have....all the positives that are there for the enjoyment and blessing.
My only advice to you I think is to give yourself some time. If this is what I assume it is, it has not been all that long in the Grand Scheme. It is admirable that you want to be the better person, and find the forgiveness, but you also need to give yourself permission to be feel the hurt, process the anger, and let some scabs form over the wounds. You are human like the rest of us, and respond as we all do.
Don't beat yourself up because you aren't are past it and happy-go-lucky just yet. You will get there. In the mean time, you will be in our prayers, and we will be here when you need to bark at the Moon.
After some time, a lot of it, you don't think about it as much. Then years later you notice you almost never think about it anymore.
If the guilty party does not fess up you can't forgive.
My best friend did me wrong in February of 2000 and we have not spoken since. He knows what he did but he is not man enough to admit that he did me wrong. He is not man enough to ask for forgiveness.
I would like to forgive him, and resume our friendship.
living well is the best revenge
don't let it consume you or you will go to the dark side, my answer may sound simple but no matter how it happens the results will be the same
You bet. Stealing money from me came back to haunt them big time. Making excuses doesn't work in my book. One a thief never any trust.23 yrs later I feel better they are out of my life forever.
1) They must ask for forgiveness. You can't forgive if they don't want it.
2) They must take full responsibility for their actions. Excuse making is not allowed.
3) They must take action to correct the wrong that they did.
4) They must convince you that they won't do it again.
At this point, the forgiveness process can begin. Forgiving doesn't mean being naive. Take your time and see if the person is truly repentant.
Youth makes stupid mistakes. I forgive them in the name of inexperience. Beyond youth, I use the Fox and Scorpion parable....
Remember, and then what Proapp said. Get on with it.....
To "forgive divine" is true. Divine because forgiveness is against the grain of the natural mind. To achieve the ability the reach this divine forgiveness level. Meditate or communicate where you can rationalize that once you have forgiven. The pain you felt is now transferred to the other.
I have an ex-wife that hurt me deeply, she cheated on me, left me, took my home away and in her wickedness did it in such a way to intentionally hurt me and ruin me. Looking back I imagine she was hoping to drive me to suicide(it would have been convenient for her). I was hurt and angry for along time, then suddenly one day a few years later I realized that I just wasn't anymore. The memory of her influence in my life faded, and she was gone to me and I moved on with my life.
The only thing you control is yourself, try to shift your focus and ride it out, time will do the rest.
then I can forgive others because God has forgiven me
I'm talking about inner forgiveness, to bring a degree of peace to your own soul. Not forgetting, by any means, not accepting, or taking anybody back into your circle of trust, but forgiving, so that your heart and soul can achieve a degree of peace, that is otherwise interrupted by anger and hatred. inside. Done for me, not for anybody else. I need to release inside, and forgive. I need to be the bigger person. BUT.....Something just won't let me let go of the anger. I need to. For me, and me alone.
It doesn't work that way Dan. They have a black streak in their heart to cause you this ongoing wrong. You need to posses a true desire for them to heal also. Short of that the perpetual wrong they cause you will continue to influence your life and leave you trying to forgive them on a monthly, weekly, daily basis.
living well is the best revenge
don't let it consume you or you will go to the dark side, my answer may sound simple but no matter how it happens the results will be the same
That is good advice. Live well
Something just won't let me let go of the anger. I need to. For me, and me alone.
There is no greater hate than that which is caused by love. Don
Anger grows out of pain. Get though the pain and the person is no longer worth the effort of your consideration, much less a consuming emotion like anger. You move on by moving on. Focus on other things, she really is not worth your time and effort at this point.
Yep,..^^^^^^
quote:Originally posted by searcher5
Something just won't let me let go of the anger. I need to. For me, and me alone.
There is no greater hate than that which is caused by love. Don
Yep, it is a thin line and takes very little to flip from love to hate, a similar passion. Women seem to do it with more ease then men.
Nothing wrong with being angry, Like I said it just takes time, you can't let that anger control your entire life. trust me, Ten years from now you won't even care about her. At the time I was devastated, five years later I was thankful and realized that she did me a favor. Don't get me wrong, part of me will always wish ill for her, the * deserves it. [;)]
I'm not going to try and steal your thread so I'll keep this short.
I knownyou saw the thread about my son and his wife with him possibly quitting on me before even trying the job. Well that's minor compared to the the events in the last teo weeks.
My son has litteraly screwed me over, stolen money, dissapeared with the truck, police in two different states were involved. Deals worked out, deals broken ad soon as the phone is hung up, lies, deciept and backstabbing all inside of 10 days.
I am hurt, devastated and seriously heartbroken. Our plans for Sturgis has been nixed, non refundable tickets at a cost of $800 will go to waste. Now I have to hunker down and double time my end, I bought smart so two truck payment will be OK on one truck but the unexpected events has caused damage.
I am faced with dealing with my son, if he brings my truck back we will meet face to face for what I see as the last time for a very long time. He has hurt me in a way I never imagined a kid could hurt me, after all I did for him recently, this trucking deal was supposed to be a father/son deal and he screwed me.
How do I look at him and stay calm? How do I handle this? Will I ever forgive him? Can I forgive him? The hurt and betrayal I'm feeling right now has me feeing super low and like a failure.
I will move on, we are looking at hiring an outsider, I will continue and he will not be a part of it. He may never be a part of my life again.
When you find out let me know.
I'm not going to try and steal your thread so I'll keep this short.
I knownyou saw the thread about my son and his wife with him possibly quitting on me before even trying the job. Well that's minor compared to the the events in the last teo weeks.
My son has litteraly screwed me over, stolen money, dissapeared with the truck, police in two different states were involved. Deals worked out, deals broken ad soon as the phone is hung up, lies, deciept and backstabbing all inside of 10 days.
I am hurt, devastated and seriously heartbroken. Our plans for Sturgis has been nixed, non refundable tickets at a cost of $800 will go to waste. Now I have to hunker down and double time my end, I bought smart so two truck payment will be OK on one truck but the unexpected events has caused damage.
I am faced with dealing with my son, if he brings my truck back we will meet face to face for what I see as the last time for a very long time. He has hurt me in a way I never imagined a kid could hurt me, after all I did for him recently, this trucking deal was supposed to be a father/son deal and he screwed me.
How do I look at him and stay calm? How do I handle this? Will I ever forgive him? Can I forgive him? The hurt and betrayal I'm feeling right now has me feeing super low and like a failure.
I will move on, we are looking at hiring an outsider, I will continue and he will not be a part of it. He may never be a part of my life again.
No way am I making excuses for your son but, at this point, I would wager that he has mental issues driving his actions.
Simply no other way to explain what's gone down..
He has to know he's in a no-win situation at this point and he may be capable of anything.
Like the old trucker told me "Son, hope for the best and expect the worst."
She is out of my life, and I abhor the fact that she can raise any emotions in me, at all. I have a woman now, that loves me, and I have exaggerated my faults, and left nothing out with her. She loves me anyway. God told me, (not in a voice from the clouds, but from a voice inside) "Let your ex go. I have something better for you" And he did. And I did, let her go, that is, but I feel like it is not complete until I can forgive her, that I will be totally free of her. I do not mean this in a whiney way, or a poor me way. I don't feel like that at all anymore. I am happy with my life as it is, pretty much, as much as a working man can be, anyway. But, I really want to be big enough, to forgive, without forgetting. So far, the best I can come up with is asking God to see that she gets everything she deserves.
Do not take ANY of the above advice. It is garbage and pretty obvious that they still have issues and have not forgiven anyone, nor have any concept of how to. Hence, all the posting about getting even and retribution, etc. This will only cause you further pain and problems.
Jesus, as He was being crucified, said, "Forgive them Father, as they know not what they do."
I am pretty sure He was suffering a little more than you are.
He also instructs us, in The Lord's Prayer, to "Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us." In other words, if you do not forgive, you may not be forgiven. Savvy, so far?
I could go on but, my point is that forgiveness, like Love, is an act and not an emotion or something we have no control over. YOU have control over your thoughts, emotions and actions, contrary to all the advice, therapy, medications and self-help gurus and must DECIDE to forgive and it will be done. Simple as that, really.
I don't mean to offend anyone and I don't mean for this to be a religious issue. I just believe it is good, solid advice that has worked for thousands of years.
I reference the Charleston Massacre recently. I live here and know these people. They diffused a nation-wide catastrophe by forgiving the person who killed their loved ones. They rejected Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson and the other hate-mongers who tried to swoop in and capitalize on this atrocity.
Dan, I consider you a friend, a good man and a poster I always look forward to reading. I do not want you to have to suffer unnecessarily or think there is nothing you can do. You can end this tonight, right now. The decision is up to you...
Here is my solicited take on the issue:
Do not take ANY of the above advice. It is garbage and pretty obvious that they still have issues and have not forgiven anyone, nor have any concept of how to. Hence, all the posting about getting even and retribution, etc. This will only cause you further pain and problems.
Jesus, as He was being crucified, said, "Forgive them Father, as they know not what they do."
I am pretty sure He was suffering a little more than you are.
He also instructs us, in The Lord's Prayer, to "Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us." In other words, if you do not forgive, you may not be forgiven. Savvy, so far?
I could go on but, my point is that forgiveness, like Love, is an act and not an emotion or something we have no control over. YOU have control over your thoughts, emotions and actions, contrary to all the advice, therapy, medications and self-help gurus and must DECIDE to forgive and it will be done. Simple as that, really.
I don't mean to offend anyone and I don't mean for this to be a religious issue. I just believe it is good, solid advice that has worked for thousands of years.
I reference the Charleston Massacre recently. I live here and know these people. They diffused a nation-wide catastrophe by forgiving the person who killed their loved ones. They rejected Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson and the other hate-mongers who tried to swoop in and capitalize on this atrocity.
Dan, I consider you a friend, a good man and a poster I always look forward to reading. I do not want you to have to suffer unnecessarily or think there is nothing you can do. You can end this tonight, right now. The decision is up to you...
my advice was not garbage
it is how I forgive thank you
I have to remind myself that I am not perfect either
then I can forgive others because God has forgiven me
it helps me hopefully it will help you
quote:Originally posted by searcher5
Thanks, guys. I'm still a work in progress, and likely will be until the day I die. I want to be a better man. I want inner peace, as much as is possible, these days. I want to lose the hatred in my heart.
She is out of my life, and I abhor the fact that she can raise any emotions in me, at all. I have a woman now, that loves me, and I have exaggerated my faults, and left nothing out with her. She loves me anyway. God told me, (not in a voice from the clouds, but from a voice inside) "Let your ex go. I have something better for you" And he did. And I did, let her go, that is, but I feel like it is not complete until I can forgive her, that I will be totally free of her. I do not mean this in a whiney way, or a poor me way. I don't feel like that at all anymore. I am happy with my life as it is, pretty much, as much as a working man can be, anyway. But, I really want to be big enough, to forgive, without forgetting. So far, the best I can come up with is asking God to see that she gets everything she deserves.
Is that what you would ask for yourself ?
No wonder there is no peace.
No offense, but please quit being so self-righteous and condescending. It really puts people off, despite your good intentions.
Why not offer an alternative? Some "Good News", perhaps?
quote:Originally posted by bigt7mm
Here is my solicited take on the issue:
Do not take ANY of the above advice. It is garbage and pretty obvious that they still have issues and have not forgiven anyone, nor have any concept of how to. Hence, all the posting about getting even and retribution, etc. This will only cause you further pain and problems.
Jesus, as He was being crucified, said, "Forgive them Father, as they know not what they do."
I am pretty sure He was suffering a little more than you are.
He also instructs us, in The Lord's Prayer, to "Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us." In other words, if you do not forgive, you may not be forgiven. Savvy, so far?
I could go on but, my point is that forgiveness, like Love, is an act and not an emotion or something we have no control over. YOU have control over your thoughts, emotions and actions, contrary to all the advice, therapy, medications and self-help gurus and must DECIDE to forgive and it will be done. Simple as that, really.
I don't mean to offend anyone and I don't mean for this to be a religious issue. I just believe it is good, solid advice that has worked for thousands of years.
I reference the Charleston Massacre recently. I live here and know these people. They diffused a nation-wide catastrophe by forgiving the person who killed their loved ones. They rejected Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson and the other hate-mongers who tried to swoop in and capitalize on this atrocity.
Dan, I consider you a friend, a good man and a poster I always look forward to reading. I do not want you to have to suffer unnecessarily or think there is nothing you can do. You can end this tonight, right now. The decision is up to you...
my advice was not garbage
it is how I forgive thank you
My apologies Daniel.
quote:Originally posted by danielgage
quote:Originally posted by bigt7mm
Here is my solicited take on the issue:
Do not take ANY of the above advice. It is garbage and pretty obvious that they still have issues and have not forgiven anyone, nor have any concept of how to. Hence, all the posting about getting even and retribution, etc. This will only cause you further pain and problems.
Jesus, as He was being crucified, said, "Forgive them Father, as they know not what they do."
I am pretty sure He was suffering a little more than you are.
He also instructs us, in The Lord's Prayer, to "Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us." In other words, if you do not forgive, you may not be forgiven. Savvy, so far?
I could go on but, my point is that forgiveness, like Love, is an act and not an emotion or something we have no control over. YOU have control over your thoughts, emotions and actions, contrary to all the advice, therapy, medications and self-help gurus and must DECIDE to forgive and it will be done. Simple as that, really.
I don't mean to offend anyone and I don't mean for this to be a religious issue. I just believe it is good, solid advice that has worked for thousands of years.
I reference the Charleston Massacre recently. I live here and know these people. They diffused a nation-wide catastrophe by forgiving the person who killed their loved ones. They rejected Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson and the other hate-mongers who tried to swoop in and capitalize on this atrocity.
Dan, I consider you a friend, a good man and a poster I always look forward to reading. I do not want you to have to suffer unnecessarily or think there is nothing you can do. You can end this tonight, right now. The decision is up to you...
my advice was not garbage
it is how I forgive thank you
My apologies Daniel.
all is forgiven
we have to
or it will only hurt us
I'm talking about inner forgiveness, to bring a degree of peace to your own soul. Not forgetting, by any means, not accepting, or taking anybody back into your circle of trust, but forgiving, so that your heart and soul can achieve a degree of peace, that is otherwise interrupted by anger and hatred. inside. Done for me, not for anybody else. I need to release inside, and forgive. I need to be the bigger person. BUT.....Something just won't let me let go of the anger. I need to. For me, and me alone.
Time heals all wounds....and it will take time before apathy sets in....and when that comes, you will know it...also creat some space with new friends(female kind)..
I'm talking about inner forgiveness, to bring a degree of peace to your own soul. Not forgetting, by any means, not accepting, or taking anybody back into your circle of trust, but forgiving, so that your heart and soul can achieve a degree of peace, that is otherwise interrupted by anger and hatred. inside. Done for me, not for anybody else. I need to release inside, and forgive. I need to be the bigger person. BUT.....Something just won't let me let go of the anger. I need to. For me, and me alone.
Dan, your only going to find it through God. You will understand when you find it for yourself. It's there, you just have to find it. No one here or anywhere else can give you the correct answer. It is all on you this time. I will keep you in my thoughts. Oakie
So I guess I am just indifferent.