Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
edited August 2007 in General Discussion
sorry no time take the >> out.

>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"


  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
    A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
    'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
    The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens.
    Look what it has done to me
    Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
    The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'
    The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud.
    I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs.
    'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
    So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.' The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
    He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
    The Old Roster is squalking and running as hard as he can.
    The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
    - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit..... third gay rooster I bought this month.' Moral of this story? Don't mess with the < B>THE OLDER GENERATION age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!
  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
    Subject: Good Joke! :) HAAHAA!

    Barack Obama was seated next to a little * an airplane trip back to Washington. He turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
    The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to Obama, "What would you like to talk about?"
    "Oh, I don't know," said the Obama. "How about What Changes I Should Make To America?" and he smiles.
    "OK," she says. "That could be an interesting topic.

    But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
    Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl's int elligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
    To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don't know poop?"
  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
    A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his
    wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip
    short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by
    the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.

    "May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.

    "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy..

    "Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.

    "But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of
    Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other."

    "This I gotta see," replied the agent.
    With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.
    "By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to
    Chicago ."

    "Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago ?"

    The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."
  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
    A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

    "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services ...the United States Marines .you know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs". In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.

    I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that bababooey. He was in the Air Force.
  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
    It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the
    admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to
    have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect
    at noon the next day.

    So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The
    Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, 'Before I
    let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.'

    'No problem,' the man said. 'I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch
    hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I
    immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as
    I searched the entire apartment.

    Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony an d
    noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve
    of that guy!

    Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the
    ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke
    his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.

    In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands
    on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the
    refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and tipped it over
    the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
    The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died
    almost instantly.'

    The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day
    It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, 'OK, sir. Welcome to the
    Kingdom of Heaven,' and let him in.

    A few seconds later Donald Trump a r rived at the gates..

    'Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like
    when you died.'

    Trump said, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this I was on the
    balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a
    lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got
    a little carried away, slipped and accidentally fell over the side!

    Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine.
    But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts
    cussing and stomps on my fingers Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and
    bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.

    As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating
    pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It
    falls the 25 floors and lands on top of m e, killing me instantly.'

    The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. 'I could
    get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the Angel
    announces. 'Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and he lets Trump enter.

    A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too
    shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's
    head. Finally he says, 'Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day
    you died.'

    Clinton says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......'
  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
    One winter morning at breakfast a couple was listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." The wife went out and moved her car.

    A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today, you will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." So the wife went out and moved her car again.

    The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must park..." Then the power went off! The wife was very upset. With a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?"

    With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, her husband said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."
  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
    One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh please,excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I"m blind & can't see."

    "That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

    "Well, I really don't know," replied the bunny. "I'm blind and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

    So the snake felt the bunny all over, and said, "Well, you're soft and cuddly, and you have long silky ears and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!"

    The bunny replied, "I can't thank you enough! But by the way, what kind of animal are you?" The snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny
    agreed to examine him.

    When the bunny was finished, the snake asked, "Well, what kind of an animal
    am I?"

    The bunny had felt the snake all over, and replied, "You're soft, you're cold, you're slippery and you haven't got any balls. You must be a Democrat."
  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
    This would be a lot funnier if there were no chance of it being true!!!

    A guy stopped at a local gas station, and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

    One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.

    The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man as he tossed the can into a trash container before heading down the road toward the men.

    "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"

    "Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.

    "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"

    "You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back.

    Elmer's job's been cut ... so now it's just me an' Leroy.
  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1

    A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell. The group waiting on the tee playing behind her was from Washington, DC and included Barack Obama.

    Barack quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet. She thanked him and started to leave when he said,"I'm Barack Obama and I hope you'll vote Democratic in the next election".

    She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my *, not my head !"
  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
    I had not heard this one before. I liked it and thought I would share it.

    A redneck was stopped by a game warden in South Carolina recently with two ice chests full of fish.
    He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

    The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'
    'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'

    'Pet fish?'

    'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'

    'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

    The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then Said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

    'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

    The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

    After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

    'Well, what?', says the redneck.

    The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

    'Call who back?'

    'The FISH', replied the warden!

    'What fish?', replied the redneck.

    Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

    You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.
  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
    A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.
    He says to her "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 100
    dollars? "Are you nuts?", she replies. And keeps walking away.
    He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before
    she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for 1,000 dollars?" he
    again. "Listen sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?" So the guy runs

    again around the next block and faces her again: "Would you let me bite
    your breasts just once for 10,000 dollars?"
    She thinks about it for a while and "Hmmm 10,000 dollars, eh? "OK,
    just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there"
    So they went to that alley and she takes off the blouse to reveal
    the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them he jumps
    them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his
    in them,....but not biting. In the end the woman gets all annoyed and
    asks: "Are you gonna bite
    them or what?" "Nah", he replies. "Costs too much."

  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
    A little humor for friday.

    Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'

    The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.

    The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'

    The other says: 'Go home dad, you're drunk.'''
  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
    The Mole Family

    A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole
    One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air
    and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
    The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says
    "Yum! I smell honey!"
    The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air,
    but can't because the bigger moles
    are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell


    Well, Hell I thought it was funny.[:D]

  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
    A Good Catholic Joke

    The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

    The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

    Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"

    So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

    AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!

    Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
    An old man comes into the ER after having fallen off of his roof. The ER doc asks him how he fell off of it? He states, well back when I was young, I was working on the roof of this young neighbor lady... No says the Doc, I mean how did you fall off the roof today?, Well I was getting to that part. I was working on the roof of this young neighbor lady and she comes out and asks if I'd like to come in and cool off? I told her , No, I've got to get your roof done, She says, it's awful hot out here. Wouldn't you like to come in and cool off with a nice cool glass of lemonade? The doc chimes in, Now what does this have to do with today? Now I'm getting to that.... I told her again, I've got to get the work done and continued on with the roof. She comes out once more and says, You know it's awful hot out here, it'd be a lot cooler in my house, with some Ice Cold Lemonade and who knows what else might happen. Well I said again, I've got to get the work down and get home before dark. Well, I was up on my roof working and the memory of it comes back to me, I giggled and then it struck me what she was getting at. And that's how I come to fall off the roof!!!
  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
    Three Southern boys and three Northerners were traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three Northerners each buy a ticket and watch as the three Southern boys buy just one ticket.

    "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Northerners. "Watch and learn," answers one of the men from the South. They all board the train and the three Northerners take their respective seats but all three Southern boys cram into a toilet together and close the door. Soon after, the train departs and the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please". The door opens just a bit and a single arm emerges with the one ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Northerners see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip, but see, to their astonishment, that the three Southern boys don't buy any ticket at all.

    "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Northerner. "Watch and learn," answers the men from the South. When they board the train, the three Northerners cram themselves into a toilet and the three Southern boys cram into another just down the aisle. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the Southern boys leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Northerners are hiding. The Southern boy knocks on their door and says, "Ticket please".
  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
    Queen Elizabeth

    Dolly Parton

    die on the same day and they both go
    before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.


    there's only one space left that day,

    so the Angel must decide which of them
    gets in.

    The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she
    should go to Heaven.

    Dolly takes off her top and says,

    "Look at these,

    they're the most
    perfect breasts

    God ever created,

    and I'm sure it will please God to
    be able to see them every day,

    for eternity."

    The Angel thanks Dolly,

    and asks

    Her Majesty the same question.

    Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse,

    shakes it up, and gargles.

    Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

    The Angel
    says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

    Dolly is outraged and asks,

    "What was that all about?

    I show you two
    of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.

    She spits into a
    commode and she gets in!

    Would you explain that to me?"

    "Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel,

    "but even in Heaven,

    a royal flush

    beats a pair -

    no matter how big they are.
  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
    The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary
    school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

    The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of
    the word "tragedy." So the illustrious Rev. Jackson asks the class for an
    example of a "tragedy." One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best
    friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor
    comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

    "No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

    A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
    over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'

    I'm afraid not, "explains the exalted Reverend Al. That's what we would
    call a great loss."

    The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.

    Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me
    an example of a tragedy?"

    Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern
    voice he says: 'If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton
    were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'

    "Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you
    tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

    "Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure wouldn't be a great
    loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
    Guy comes home from fishing Sunday morning and plops down in the easy chair to watch the football game. He yells to his wife: "Honey, how about fixin' me a couple of sandwiches, it's about to start." She fixes his sandwiches and brings them to him. "Could you turn the t.v. on, it's about to start." She lets out a big sigh and turns on the t.v. and storms back into the kitchen. "Could you bring me a beer" he shouts "it's about to start". She opens the fridge, grabs a beer, slams the door and drops it into his lap.
    "All you do is fish, drink, and watch football. I swear I gettin' dang tired of it! You never take me anywhere. You never help me around the house..."
    He mumbles under his breath:

    "It's started"
  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
    Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender

    The robot says, "What will you have?"

    The guy says, "Martini."

    The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man,

    "What's your IQ?"

    The guy says, "168."

    The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

    The guy leaves, but he is curious.

    So he goes back into the bar.

    The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"

    The guy says, "Martini."

    Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says,

    "What's your IQ?"

    The guy says, "100."

    The robot then starts to talk about Hollywood, communists, vodka, and kwanzaa.

    The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting,

    so he thinks he will try it one more time.

    He goes back into the bar.

    The robot says, "What will you have?"

    The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.

    The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"

    The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

    The robot leans in real close and says,

    Well, not everyone can be from Chicago, an ACORN member, and happy with OBama!
  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
    An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
    Dear Bubba:
    I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
    Love, Dad
    A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
    Dear Dad:
    For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
    Love, Bubba
    At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
    That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
    Dear Dad:
    Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
    Love, Bubba
  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
    John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

    "Of course, John," his wife said softly.

    "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

    "But I thought you hated Bob," she said..

    With his last breath John said, "I do!"
  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
    I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"; She said "It's President's Day!" She is a smart kid. I asked "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln .... Etc.

    She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull Schmit."

    You know, It hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose!
  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
    The office manager was putting up Christmas decorations and as she finished she walked back to her office. Two of the guys were looking at her snickering. When she said, What?" One told her she had glitter on her face and boobs.
    She said what does it mean to have glitter on her.
    One of the guys said glitter on the boobs means she went to a tittie bar.
    She then asked what about the glitter on her face?
    The other guy laughed and made the motor boat sound, then both guys almost fell out of their chairs with laughter.
    We will miss them.
  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
    Famous rorn star Ron Jeremy was called to serve on a panel to decide the quilt or innocence of a defendant in a trial. It was a hung jury...
  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
    Dear Friends,

    With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who the "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at age 93.

    The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
    They put his left leg in.

    Then the trouble started. . .


    "If you ain't got pictures, I wasn't there."
  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
    A little boy was riding his BMX bike one day in the drive way when the little girl next door asked if she could ride his BMX bike. The little boy said,"You see this, this bike is for boys only. Only boys can have these."

    Well, she went home and told her mommy what he said. The next day he was riding his bike again and the little girl came over on a brand new bike just like his, but with a basket on the front.

    Well this made the little boy upset so he threw his bike to the ground and pouted up to the house.

    He came out a little later with a football. He was tossing it in the air and playing in the yard. The little girl saw him and asked if she could play too. He said,"You see this, this football is for boys only. Only boys can have with these."

    Well like before she ran home and told her mommy what the little boy had said. The very next day the little girl rode her bike over and she had a new football in the front basket of her bike. She gave a smerk to the little boy and tossed her ball in the air giggling.

    The little boy so frustrated, pulled his pants down and pointed to his tally wacker(I guessing this word won't be edited[;)]) and said,"You see this, only boys have these."

    Satisfied he had shown the little girl next door who's boss he pulled his pants up and went inside as she stood there in shock.

    Later that day he was outside on the lawn and the little girl came right over and approached him. She walked up to him with a big grin on her face.

    She pulled her dress up and her panties down and pointed to her private parts and said, " You see this, only girls have these. And my mommy said as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!"[:0]
  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
    A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. Te wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
    He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft,
    thoughtful voice, "Well, ... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
    Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St.
    Anselm's Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the family are invited.

  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
    An old-time southern, hell fire & brimstone country preacher had a
    teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought
    to choosing a profession.

    Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do,
    and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

    One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an
    experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table
    four objects:

    - a Bible,

    - a silver dollar,

    - a bottle of whisky and

    - a Playboy magazine

    "I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself,
    "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object
    he picks up.

    If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

    If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that
    would be okay, too.

    But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good, low down
    drunkard, and, Lord, help me.... what a shame that would be.

    And worst of all..... if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a
    skirt-chasin', no good bum."

    The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he
    entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his
    books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the
    objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to
    inspect them.

    Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked
    up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the
    bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

    "Lord have mercy," th! e old preacher disgustedly whispered,

    "he's gonna be a Congressman!"
  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
    I hope this Doesn't offend anyone. No pun Inteded


    Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up hisoutdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors wereCatholic..And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat onFriday.The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causingsuch aproblem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

    The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.

    'Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yardclutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched inamazement.

    There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holywater which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: Youwuzborn a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish.

  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
    A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
    so he asks the biker his name.

    'Fred,' he replies.

    'Fred what?' the officer asks.

    'Just Fred,' the man responds.

    The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

    The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

    The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.
    I studied hard and got good grades.

    When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

    Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

    Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

    Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

    Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

    Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

    The officer walked away in tears, laughing
  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
    Q: What happens when you sing country and western music

    A: You get your wife, job and dog back. [;)][:o)]

    There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
    Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1

    A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman
    they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

    "I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "We don't have any!" "But I always buy it here," says the blonde "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the

    "YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

    Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from
    the container.........

  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
    time to pull the plug ??

    While visiting his niece, an elderly man had a heart attack. The woman drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wai[:D]t. the ER doctor appeared ,wearing his scrubs and a long face.
    Sadly he said, "I"m afraid that your uncle's brain is dead, but his heart is still beating."

    "Oh dear," cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock.. "We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"
  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
    A man approaches a young lady at a bar and says:

    'Gee, you remind me of my little toe.'

    She giggles, and asks:

    'Is that because I'm so small and cute.'

    'No', he replies.

    'It's because I think I'm gonna get drunk tonight and bang you on the coffee-table.'
  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1
    Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

    "No," said her husband.

    She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

    "Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.

    "Uh, no," he said.

    She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties
    and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

    "Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

    "No," he said, now really intrigued.

    "Well go look in the garage..."
  • Dakota308Dakota308 Member Posts: 4,162
    edited November -1




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