Perhaps a dumb question

cercer Member Posts: 826 ✭✭✭✭
edited March 2014 in US Military Veteran Forum
I'm a combat Marine vn vet, and have a question:
if a friend or family member dies do you greive for a week or more, or does your memory of them kinda fade, like " someone you didn't know"?
I'm kinda checking if i'm different.

Please no smart answers, this is serious for me.


  • elubsmeelubsme Member Posts: 1,162 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    My Dad passed 35 years ago and I still tear up when I think of him.
  • 11echo11echo Member Posts: 1,001 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    I lost a close friend I made when I first got in my unit. He ETS out after about 10 months, I was heading home on leave about that time. I joked "I'd beat him home"! And he'd come back ..."Yea but you have to come back here"! When I did come back I learned he had drown saving his brother ...that was almost 40 yr.s ago, I remember him to this day! His passing left a big hole, you learn to get around it ...but it never goes away ...at least for me.
  • cercer Member Posts: 826 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    The reason I ask this question is I lost my ability to love, hate, laugh, and other emotions.
    Maybe the drugs the VA has me taking, has killed my ability to care about most anything. my wife says I a cold blooded sob
  • dheffleydheffley Member Posts: 25,000
    edited November -1
    Friends seem to ease as time passes, and I can think about them or talk about them without excessive emotion.

    Family and loved ones, or the really tragic deaths I witnessed never seem to loose the emotional impact, although i can now talk about my two son's deaths, I still feel the deep emotions, and when everyone has left the room, I still tear up.
  • us55840us55840 Member Posts: 31,300 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Depends on how the person treated you. Sometimes a "friend" or family members treat other "friends" or family members horribly.

    I've cried for a few and for others, was glad they were no longer around......and for some had no feelings one way or the other.

    Just how it is.
    "This country, with its institutions, belongs to the people who inhabit it. Whenever they shall grow weary of the existing government, they can exercise their constitutional right of amending it, or exercise their revolutionary right to overthrow it." Abraham Lincoln
  • 11b6r11b6r Member Posts: 16,725
    edited November -1
    OK- serious- I mean SERIOUS answer. You need to find someone you can talk to. Yes, drugs WILL affect your emotions. No, not normal.

    I am an old man. I have buried family, friends, and brothers-in-arms. Everyone reacts to death in a different way- people are different. However, NO reaction at all is not healthy.

    Again, you DO need to find a counselor that is a good listener, and can ask the right questions. More drugs ON THEIR OWN are not going to do a lot for you.

    Sometimes your mind finds a way of tolerating intolerable events. Been there, done that. Does not mean that the hole it ducked in to is where it should stay.

    That you are looking for some help does NOT mean you are insane- probably means you are VERY sane, and realize things are not right.
  • cercer Member Posts: 826 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    I've known something is wrong with me since I was in country, but didn't know what to do. I mean friends get hurt or die, and are gone! never had time to grieve, or miss them. I don't pass a line with people. it's like a day or 2 later they didn't exist.
    I've been going to the Quacks since the 70's. I've gone throu the PTSD program 3 times, I go see scrinks quite often. I'm 110% service connected and unemployable. All my friends military and personal are gone. All my Family is gone. have no friends or family just a pitt bull and a Basset hound. no intrest in fishing or hunting or anything else. i'm just taking space that someone who had a talent for something important could cover lots better than me.
  • Wild TurkeyWild Turkey Member Posts: 1,880 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    It's all part of depression. BTDT (not a VN vet, commissioned six months too late)

    AS has been mentioned: find the right shrink. I went to 3 before I found one that spotted my problem.

    You're the one needing help and recognizing that (as this post shows) is the first step. Next step is to get someone that can help you understand what's in your head.

    They are there to help you, you're not there to keep them busy. Keep trying until you get help.

    Pills may or may not be PART of the answer. I've finally gotten some meds that are helping; tried a couple that either made it worse of didn't help.

    Especially one that makes your emotions flat. That's only good to make you a controllable Zombie.

    Here's the hard part -- find something you can give. I know how hard it is to start doing things when it feels like you are trying to walk in chest deep water while everyone else is on dry ground but you gotta take some steps.

    Love dogs? Find a shelter that needs walkers, etc. No, you don't need to adopt any more but you can make life better for some until they find a home.

    Habitat for Humanity is always building houses and can use some help, even if it's just digging, etc. It would get you out and in contact with people.

    I understand some of what you're feeling. I grew up not knowing how to love and view now death with neutrality (both of my parents, both of wife's parents and her oldest brother, two other BIL's but no hurt) but there's more to life.

    You gotta let a little light in by letting some hurt out. We've already lost too many good men to VN; we don't need one more.

    Find something to get you out of your rut.

    You're a Marine, I know that means sometimes you don't do things the easy way but it's time you kicked yourself into gear and did something.

    What would say to someone in your outfit if they were behaving like you are?

    Keep posting here -- the guys will keep you centered.
  • Rick S.Rick S. Member Posts: 33 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    Wild T, Right on!
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