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Do you know any One Liners...

turboturbo Member Posts: 820 ✭✭✭✭
edited December 2001 in General Discussion
Here are a couple:"L. Ron Hubbard?" I've been reading "Old Mother Hubbard""When you run with wolves, you step in wolf doo-doo"One more,"Sure I entered, but I didn't break anything"
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  • alledanalledan Member Posts: 19,541
    edited November -1
    Really officer! I am not drunk!I found it in the street!I thought you said you were on the pill!
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  • DaRoostaDaRoosta Member Posts: 270 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    "Do you want to dance?"..."No...I said you look fat in those pants."
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  • 218Beekeep218Beekeep Member Posts: 3,033
    edited November -1
    Hey dano,"The family that I victimized three times, forgave me"
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  • gruntledgruntled Member Posts: 8,218 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    True story from a case I was on the jury on.The arresting officer found the burglar's gun in the bushes. He admitted it was his gun but he said he put it there BEFORE he started breaking into the car so that if the owner showed up he would not have to shoot him. The lawyer claimed this meant it was not an armed burglary. He also claimed the man was trying to steal the T-top from the car because his had been stolen & he needed it to go look for a job. This same lawyer approached one of the alternates while we were deliberating & insisted on trying to ask what he thought about the case. (Didn't help when the old lady across the street that called the cops testifiedshe saw him throw the gun in the bushes when he saw the cops coming.) The hardest part to believe is how long it took us toconvict him. (Most of two days.)
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  • COWBOYKIDDCOWBOYKIDD Member Posts: 239 ✭
    edited November -1
    I have heard alot of them but not all/I think I have the flu. My response.. but you seemed alright yesterday. yeah it started when I got home. I wont be able to make it to work today because my cat didnt come home.. No comment Wait he didnt say his guns were dirty lol sorry Mudge I have to go to court.. my response. when were you notified. answer:My dog tucked it in my slippers
    Politicians Love Gun Control / China Has Gun Control
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  • timberbeasttimberbeast Member Posts: 1,738 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    "Ala ennen vanhaa tapaa moiti kuin uudet tavat tunnet"translation: Do not belittle the old ways until you know the new.
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  • will270winwill270win Member Posts: 4,845
    edited November -1
    "If" worms carried guns, birds would starve.I don't like all them what if's I hear all the time, so I usually pop off with something like that.
    Eat healthy, exercise, avoid smoking........Die anyway. will270win@aol.com ~Secret Select Society Of Suave Stylish Smoking Jackets~
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  • beachmaster73beachmaster73 Member Posts: 3,011 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    Timberbeast...Is that Finnish? Beach
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  • ndbillyndbilly Member Posts: 1,573 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    "The only difference between fairy tales and war stories is that all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon a Time' and all war stories begin with 'Now, this is no s**t'".
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  • OtomanOtoman Member Posts: 554 ✭
    edited November -1
    "Man that gal is so ugly she has to sneak up on a Glass to get a drink of Water" BO DIDDLEY Circa 1960's
    KIMBER: Pistol du jour
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  • SXSMANSXSMAN Member Posts: 2,616 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Shoe bomb suspect Richard Reid is being held without bail because he is considered a "FLIGHT" risk!
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  • will270winwill270win Member Posts: 4,845
    edited November -1
    How 'bout some famous last words, such as:Custer-"Where'd all these damn indians come from?"Mayor of Hiroshima-"What the hell was that?"Alot of dead good ol' boys-"Hey, ya'll watch this."...........and coming to CNN real soon.......Bin laden-"Naw, they won't ever find me here."
    Eat healthy, exercise, avoid smoking........Die anyway. will270win@aol.com ~Secret Select Society Of Suave Stylish Smoking Jackets~
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  • WEASEL-88WEASEL-88 Member Posts: 998 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    But Officer I only had two beers!Just once would you like to here someone say, yea I've had 15 long necks and 5 shots.
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  • VarmintmistVarmintmist Member Posts: 1,074 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    "People who see a lot of gray areas, are usually lost in a fog" --- me, to lib bout 15 years ago"Dont worry, Im not ovulating honey" ---wife, about 9 months before baby girl
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  • Matt45Matt45 Member Posts: 3,185
    edited November -1
    To the whining bail jumper-"Don't worry, those handcuffs will stretch after a while"To the intoxicated driver-"Now exactly how big were those two beers?"To the LEO who just pulled you over, administered a field sobriety test and you got stuck on "I"- "Pat? Can I have a vowel?"To whatever Joey Scuzzball who is under the influence-"OK, answer quick, Mickey Mouse. Cat or dog?"To the suspect you've just patted down, and found an "eight" of coke. "So, who's pants ARE you wearing?"To the wife beater you've just hosed down with OC-10 (Mace) Just whisper in his ear-"If we wait long enough, your eyes will melt out of your head"And my favorite, to the LEO who just pulled me over last Fri night for a traffic violation-"Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?" "Failure to stop at a stop sign, Excessive display of speed, Failure to use turn signals and Suspicion of driving under the influence?""Uhhh, yeah, that'd be it....."(BTW, I was driving like a *, but was not under the influence in any way shape or form)
    Reserving my Right to Arm Bears!!!![This message has been edited by Matt45 (edited 12-29-2001).][This message has been edited by Matt45 (edited 01-02-2002).]
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  • ATFATF Member Posts: 11,683 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    If a worm wants to relax,does he go fishin ?
    ATF
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  • ATFATF Member Posts: 11,683 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    If a worm wants to relax,does he go fishin ?
    ATF
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  • sig-mansig-man Member Posts: 591 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    That went over like a fart in church...Sorry Nunn.
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  • will270winwill270win Member Posts: 4,845
    edited November -1
    Alright, I love this one and most of the cops get a kick out of it:Cop pull ya over and asks, "you drinking?"If'n they ask me like that, and they do in the south more times than not, I reply, "Depends, you buying?"
    Eat healthy, exercise, avoid smoking........Die anyway. will270win@aol.com ~Secret Select Society Of Suave Stylish Smoking Jackets~
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  • guns-n-painthorsesguns-n-painthorses Member Posts: 6,462 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    She is so ugly, she would make a train turn down a dirt road.What's good for the goose IS the gander.It's not loaded.....The outside of a horse is good for the inside of a man.
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  • timberbeasttimberbeast Member Posts: 1,738 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    "Joka ei tiia mitaan ei epaile mitaan"Those who know nothing doubt nothing.Yes, Beach, it's Finn. Just don't know how to make those little signs over the letters!Officer: "May I see your license, sir?"Driver" "Sure, hold my beer for a second."Oops.
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  • nunnnunn Forums Admins, Member, Moderator Posts: 36,078 ******
    edited November -1
    "I shot a lion in my pajamas last night. How he got in my pajamas, I'll never know.""I'm fighting to defend your honor, which is more than you ever did."
    Certified SIG pistol armorer/FFL Dealer/Full time Peace Officer, Moderator of the General Discussion Board on Gunbroker. Visit www.gunbroker.com, the premier gun auction site on the Net! Email davidnunn@texoma.net Jesus is Lord!
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  • 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    California DOT cop(revenue ranger) " do you know that you averaged 85 mph, drove way over ten hours and have not done your log book in three days? How did you get here? Me, tired cranky trucker" How else do you think I got here? I drove" Once they preach you are already screwed so it dont matter what you say to them
    when all else fails........................
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  • nunnnunn Forums Admins, Member, Moderator Posts: 36,078 ******
    edited November -1
    If a frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his butt hoppin.Ugly enough to run a haint up a thornbush.(A haint is a ghost or other booger)She was so skinny, she had to run around in the shower to get wet.Snowed hub deep to a Ferris wheel.Wish in one hand and **** in the other and see which one fills up faster.
    Certified SIG pistol armorer/FFL Dealer/Full time Peace Officer, Moderator of the General Discussion Board on Gunbroker. Visit www.gunbroker.com, the premier gun auction site on the Net! Email davidnunn@texoma.net Jesus is Lord!
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  • ndbillyndbilly Member Posts: 1,573 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    My life has been reduced to watching re-runs of "The Beverly Hillbillies". Jed Clampett on Cousin Pearl:"That's our Pearl. Too poor to paint and too proud to whitewash."
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  • RUGERNUT3RUGERNUT3 Member Posts: 247 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    My daughter soon to be 21 has heard this "preached" to her since she was prob. 7-8yrs. old. She heard it TOO many times thru those tiresome teenage years, thank god those are gone. It's one of my favorites......."BREAK YOUR LEG ON PURPOSE,OR BY ACCIDENT,BOTTOM LINE..YOUR LEG IS STILL BROKE". This line I have overheard her telling to others!Here is on that I had told her, mostly for a joke when she was prob. about 10, it came back to haunt me, her and I laugh about it now. I told her a couple of times whenever she would bring up something about boys. Pretty much a lighthearted way/attempt of breaking the ice before that god awful talk you have to have with your kids about sex. I did the right thing, took the mans way out and for the most part left it to my wife! I told her " ALWAYS KEEP YOUR LEGS CROSSED AND YOUR MIND ON JESUS", sounded good to me.......well seems some teacher at school asked the question to the class if any of the parents had ever tried to talk to them about sex education, uh...oh.She raised her hand, and yes..she told the teacher " MY DAD TOLD ME TO KEEP MY LEGS CROSSED AND MY MIND ON JESUS"! True story, neither her nor I will forget that one......
    "ANY" EXCUSE IS A GOOD REASON TO BUY "JUST 1 MORE".& VICIE-VERSIE!
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  • concealedG36concealedG36 Member Posts: 3,566 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    I ask you what time it is and you tell me how to build a clock!(The response my grandfather used to give me whenever I exceeded the two-word limit to answers to his questions)
    Gun Control Disarms Victims, NOT Criminals
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  • bartobarto Member Posts: 4,734 ✭✭
    edited November -1
    i WORK for that clock designer. barto
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  • REBJrREBJr Member Posts: 1,210 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    "Grinnin' like a possum eatin' *" - Ralph
    Nothing very, very good or very, very bad lasts for very, very long.
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  • simonbssimonbs Member Posts: 994 ✭
    edited November -1
    DaRoosta,"Don't get mad, baby, I said PHAT, Pretty Hot And Tempting."
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  • dheffleydheffley Member Posts: 25,000 ✭
    edited November -1
    Don't let the door hit ya' where the Lord split ya'.
    Save, research, then buy the best.Join the NRA, NOW!Teach them young, teach them safe, teach them forever, but most of all, teach them to VOTE!
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  • 218Beekeep218Beekeep Member Posts: 3,033
    edited November -1
    Me,at 10 years old:"That makes my skin crawl!"My dad:"Yeah...?...Hows`it smell when`ya * crawls accrossed ya nose?.218
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  • will270winwill270win Member Posts: 4,845
    edited November -1
    Here's one. "you are so dumb, your hair hurts."
    Eat healthy, exercise, avoid smoking........Die anyway. will270win@aol.com ~Secret Select Society Of Suave Stylish Smoking Jackets~
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  • royc38royc38 Member Posts: 2,235 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    Heres one: He is so lazy he dates pregnant women.
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  • badboybobbadboybob Member Posts: 1,658 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    He's so slow if he fell out of a tree it would take him an hour to hit the ground.
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  • wundudneewundudnee Member Posts: 6,105 ✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    He's so slow it takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
    standard.jpg
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  • 218Beekeep218Beekeep Member Posts: 3,033
    edited November -1
    Ya mama`s so fat:When she laid down on the beach,little kids was sayin` "FREE WILLY..FREE WILLY!!
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  • pops401pops401 Member Posts: 616 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    What happens if you get scared half to death..twice?
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  • pops401pops401 Member Posts: 616 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    What happens if you get scared half to death..twice?
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  • 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king7mm_ultra_mag_is_king Member Posts: 676 ✭✭✭✭
    edited November -1
    my first attempt with a girl, she speaks "your so ugly it looks like you fell out of the ugly tree and hit every limb on the way down" favorite trucker one liner--" ### girls need lovin too!"
    when all else fails........................[This message has been edited by 7mm_ultra_mag_is_king (edited 01-01-2002).]
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